(Living devotion on Naitauba: practice, attention, and the real work)
‘Untouched, really untouched. Pristine from the beginning of the world – this place. It has been waiting here since the beginning of time.’ Adi Da
I looked across the entire bay and the lagoon to the coral reef where the waves were breaking and slowly began to understand that there is a huge difference between mental knowledge and study and the actual living experience. The process of leaving behind a stuck habit or conviction or behavior pattern actually had to happen and not just be understood by the mind. It was now time to go through the acid test(13). Nobody could do it for me, not even the Master. The body and the mind have been collecting countless concepts, patterns and imprints due to the self-contraction because of self-centeredness throughout many lifetimes, and they had all become of ‘vital importance’ over time.
this body in this life not merely through studies and meditations or ecstatic states, but here in real life and love. One cannot skip anything or leave anything behind. Without the actual devotion to Adi Da in my actions every ecstatic experience remained empty and useless and I would beg for more experiences in order to become free. This had nothing to do with any kind of actions or with attempting to become free from something. The point was really about where I was directing my attention: towards my frustrations or towards reality, happiness itself, which was right in front of my heart. Or, as was the case at this moment, on the other side of the bay. I looked far across the roof towards Adi Da and felt deep happiness. This feeling was independent of where and how I was living or what I was doing. This happiness has always existed.
We celebrated many more ecstatic parties with Adi Da in this place, and each one was of equal intensity, intimacy and transcendence as the first one that I participated in. My sleep was shortened considerably by the nightly get-togethers with Adi Da, but since I did not want to miss a single moment I participated in every one of the Gatherings.
Then I just had to work with an exhausted body. I imagined myself to possess two bodies: one that was resting and the other that was always doing service to Adi Da. That way the ‘body problem’ was solved! Every day was filled with immense intensity and reflected the play (18) of the Master with His devotees.
It is the Truth-as-such that we can also call the divine all-transcending fire, that calls into existence this state of perpetual devotion and the Oneness with the Truth-as-such, our actual natural state. The responsibility for everything that I did was completely mine and happened out of my own free will. I could have had many breaks, could have spent my time talking and discussing. I could have had a completely different retreat, but I did not want to, I just could not.
There is nothing more beautiful than the moment one can look at the divine Self and to loose oneself in His Presence. His dogs also were totally surrendered in contemplation of Adi Da.
This time nothing was revealed. No revelation. No vision. I was totally blank and I sat there like an idiot perplexed in front of Adi Da. Suddenly I understood how pointless it was to meditate on the revelation, to want to hold on to it and to want to repeat it. At this very moment I had a different ‘revelation’: that I was a perfect arsehole and exactly like that I sat there.
A huge wave of humor swept over me and there was nobody sitting in front of me any more, and the body of Adi Da shape-shifted into a kind of a slide, a hole in this manifest and conditional reality through which the Conscious Light (21) streamed into this world.
(Adi Da’s Siddhi: shape-shifting, the Ashvamedha vision, and the world already free)
A boundless current of compassion and love washed away even the slightest sprout of self-centeredness. His Siddhis, which could not be described with words, swept over us and over the entire globe. I saw Him as the Ashvamedha Horse(23), devouring everything in a divine manner and blessing the world, galloping with high speed and unconditional ferocity. The recognition was evident and implicit before me, with me and in me: the world was already free. Always has been. And paradoxically and mind-bogglingly without Adi Da’s permanent and invisible intervention, occurring without cease, mankind was about to destroy itself.
How could anybody possibly understand this? There is no path, no technique, no Samadhi and no words and no other holy means by which to comprehend these events or to communicate them.
The heart becomes submerged into a deep intuition that nothing else exists but the heart itself.
What remained or what was ‘missing’ was the awareness of this incomprehensible event, which continues to happen autonomously in all people and beings.
While I was walking along the road I realized that my attention had returned back onto my own life. I had to think about myself again, what I wanted, where I wanted to go, how my day was going to shape up. If I did not do it I would perhaps happily rot away here on the side of the road. There was a deep pain in it but also a decision.
‘My Perfect Coincidence with all-and-All and Perfect Identification with all-and-All Is True in every sense – literally the Case.’ Adi Da
There was no search because there was no separation, and in fact, the separation had never existed. This wedding between ‘He and She’ was apparently always taking place here, in every moment.
They began with their singing and I realized that they were absolutely unaware of what was, in the most intense way, present in this room, what had happened here and what was still happening and manifesting. Everything they were looking for through their singing and their prayers, liberation and happiness, was already here: right here, directly with them, every day. The very room itself was That. However, the singing was the pleading and the searching for the truth, to be free - although they were already free. I had never before experienced a more absurd moment.
It was as if there was a thirsty person standing in the middle of a clear lake, even submerged in the water and at the same time he is begging for water because he is not aware that he has already found it. That in fact he is actually water itself and that the thirst is only a self created illusion. In spite of all the beauty of the devotion and the sincere and honest prayers – it was all in vain.
This divine humor was just too much, it was absolute. There was laughter building up inside of me, which now wanted to come out. The taxi came; I got in and burst out laughing. I was shaking with laughter on the back seat. The taxi driver kept glancing back at me and said that it seemed like I had had a good time, which in turn made me laugh even more. He probably thought that I was on some drugs. I gave him the advice to visit the Vedanta Temple, perhaps then he could understand my laughter.
CHAPTER 4 The business world – scene one
(Re-entering ordinary life: visions, longing, and the world that cannot understand)
‘You Are the Mystery! Yes! And you don’t even know what you Are. Either. Yes! There Is Only the Mystery! Adi Da
I emerged from the water of a lake as if the lake itself was the essence of my existence. The water was denser than normal, like a plastic material that could be shaped in any manner.
An arc rose from the head and it seemed to be renewing itself constantly.
The eyes were turned way up, not actually eyes, but the water reflecting itself in them.
could neither use a keyboard nor a PC. I learned bookkeeping and accounting, and experienced all the pressures of the business world. I was confronted with cigarette smoke and coffee and all sorts of other daily drugs and worries that I had formerly been spared from. The building in which I worked had several floors and was located in the middle of town. I went to have a look at the location of my new job on the top floor of this building, which was still under renovation.
It was rapidly clear to me that hardly anyone could really understand my experiences on Naitauba, nor my longing to be there. In the first weeks of my return from Naitauba I heard the piercing sound of conches at night, or early in the morning, and as well in my dreams.
The First Journey to the Mountain of Attention1
‘Fire of your heart-Love, Kneel Into Me. Fire of your heart-Love Feel Me Above, Melting you Down In Me.’
I suffered like a wistful lover who couldn’t reach his beloved. All the bustle and activity, all the information about Adi Da’s art, were unimportant and irrelevant to me. I just wanted to be with my master, as close as possible and as often as possible. The
The people shift out of the everyday and remind themselves that there is something that flows from them, of which they are dependent, which is greater than them, and to which they should grant attention as often as possible. Here in the modern world of America it was completely different. How Adi Da managed to manifest His unique work of blessing and His all-encompassing Wisdom Teaching in the Western world goes beyond the scope of description. I could not imagine how this place, full of divine Siddhi, surrounded by so much indifference even to outright hostility could have been created by any other persons rather than the Heart-Master himself, let alone who could endure the continued rejection and denial.
Many genuine Masters have gone, even in the East, because no one perceived their existence, or really made use of their wisdom, or because they had exhausted themselves in their efforts to shake people awake and were just not heard. What was received, what remained behind, was only a fraction of what they could have given to man.
The love I received from above was Him, and that which flowed out of me was also Him. I sat eternally bound with Him in a ring of love tha could never be melted. It required no words, no explanation. Adi Da Is the Heart. The true Heart Master. The divine gift to the world. Even as Adi Da’s glance roamed further, He remained Master of the Heart of everything and everyone.
How do these deep emotional and sexual energies fit together with the Truth? This apparent dilemma still lay dormant in me. I had always only seen it as a contradiction and the traditional spiritual literature either gave it a wide berth, or idealized it. In the intoxication of my Bhakti all this had very much taken a back seat.
The business world – scene two ‘Love is a great discipline’ Adi Da
To be on the move with the books of a living spiritual master (with the emphasis on ‘living’), in the world of rational-scientific thought or the limited boxed-in world of the media is an adventure and an experience without equal. The chances are very low to not encounter prejudice and all-knowing indifference. There is a taboo in western culture, and that is precisely the Reality-Itself, our original state, manifested in ecstatic human form, here and now. It either aggravates people or puts them to sleep.
Three suns and five rainbows ‘I Stand At the Threshold. Now, and forever hereafter, I Stand There.’ Adi Da
(Adi Da’s transcendental presence: the white sun over every person)
Adi Da stood now on the ‘threshold’ beyond the body and mind and the Cosmic Mandala5, between the contingent world and His unconditional Loka, the Midnight Sun. Adi Da is connected with all people at every moment. His transcendental spiritual body is not subject to limitation. He feels all beings everywhere and at every moment. He is with them in a literal sense. He lives actually tangible in the heart of every individual, and is with her or him all the time, even if people do not perceive Him or recognize Him. He stands as a white sun over the heads of every person, beyond our intellectual perception, beyond the conditional world of cause and effect, beyond all reason and spiritual experience. He waits for humanity to perceive His divine presence and respond to Him.
Adi Da was all suffering beings and at the same time he was free in His “Radiant Light”, His glowing Bliss. He experiences all the misery of this world right in His own transcendental spiritual body, as He Himself.
Quite unexpectedly, I felt Beloved Adi Da’s presence powerfully in my eyes, my heart and then throughout my whole body. I stood there, no longer myself, and saw what terrible things were happening there. Right at this moment Adi Da “felt” directly with these helpless children and frightened people. There was no difference between Him and the people there. Later I learned the live-action report was of the rescue operation by the Russian Army at the school in Beslan6, in which over 300 people were killed.
(Guiding the dying: working with Adi Da’s grace at the moment of death)
In my inner eye I moved the chakra centers of her body, then removed a picture of Adi Da from my bag and placed it at the head of the bed. I had scarcely set the image in its place when the whole atmosphere in the room changed. A kind of pull upwards set in and my mother left her body forcefully through the crown of her head, where the image of Adi Da stood. A kind of yogic force and severity marked the features of her face. I supported her by constantly speaking to her, telling her she could now let go and be guided only by the radiant light, to Adi Da.
The room was densely filled with celebration and love. My brother was deeply moved and could not understand why he felt so happy. We sat into the afternoon in stillness or reading aloud. Then I washed her body and put new clothes on her. To finish, I placed an orange scarf around her neck.
An immense force crashed into me, Julia held me and helped me, as so often before, to guide and receive this force. A will, a toughness and a sincerity manifested that didn’t come from me, but was gifted to me at this moment.
I sensed that after only three months of recharging she was again reincarnating. Somewhere on earth, and not on this side of the planet, I was sure she would be reborn in nine months time. And if that was so, I was sure I would recognize her if we ever met.
The illusion of death ‘Death is a living process. It is not an endling. It is a very profound transformation.’ Adi Da
This irrefutable fact is the starting point for everyone when we enter this unacceptable state of mortal love where there is no solace, no faith, no God, and no hope. The only thing which solves this dilemma is the Reality Itself, to perceive the Conscious Light and wholly be it. Only then does the illusion of death and separation die and the Truth that only you exist shows itself as Itself.
He evidently remained fixed in his body in a kind of torpor. I spoke to him without words, that he had now actually died that the time here with his friends and his life was now over, that he had given his best and could now go on without fear and worry. He should now forgive and forget. I spontaneously put my hands out to gradually cover his whole body. Slowly, the atmosphere relaxed. I gave him instructions to place his attention upwards on the crown of his head. He let go more and more. I spoke to him of love. I knew that his wife had loved him sincerely, and that she had let go of him. It was now up to him to move on.
body. I stopped, put my hands again upon his body, and spoke to him directly in quiet words. The process of letting go began once again. I explained to him that he must look for a radiant, round white sun, and not let himself be distracted by anyone or anything, spoke the many names of Adi Da and told him of the life of the Avatar. I felt and saw that after some time he actually perceived the radiant sun that appeared over his body. Happiness moved slowly into the room where he lay. His face began to relax and smile.
Death is an illusion. Love makes death appear to be real to us and we refuse to love now and in the future. But love is the only power and motivation that drives us to overcome this illusion.
Second journey to the Mountain of Attention ‘The image-art I make and do is the
(The second journey: ecstatic transmission, ego-rage, and Adi Da’s Loka)
Everything already exists in complete freedom and every manifestation appears in this freedom and is a mere modification of it. With His artwork He presents the Revelation of Reality, which He had brought into the world with the written work of His Wisdom Teachings.
The stillness sings a miracle without words
Happiness Out of oblivion. A place Beyond time and space. A blink of an eye That reveals itself. Beyond all words and deeds. Adi Da, and the Truth emerges.
‘I Am Utterly Beyond your Comprehension.’ Adi Da
I lay on my mattress during the night in our vacation home, and felt Adi Da’s love like jolts through my body. His limitless and unconditional siddhis flooded incessantly over my body and mind, like in a perpetual act of lovemaking. I surrendered to His love with totality, like in the intoxication of a honeymoon. His spiritual transmission, which was also always full of humor, flooded over my body like a hot lava flow from above and in the first week created all kinds of ecstatic symptoms and mystical states. I saw my body and its energy centers giving off light as if studded with diamonds. He was floating in a different space. The universe reflected itself in Him.
My consciousness was ‘transported’ into other dimensions and there I discovered my old connections with other masters in earlier lifetimes.
All these mystical and sublime experiences were not He. It was just stuff from my secret toy box. None of it had anything to do with Adi Da, but I had to recognize them in His Presence as ultimately merely insignificant symptoms. The next day was different. All of these phenomena had stopped. Now a thick lava flow of His spiritual power flowed into my body from all directions, and He, Adi Da, flooded my entire being, body and mind. Everything became heavy. Everything turned into Him, even my muscles, bones, every single cell, my thinking, absolutely everything. Adi Da’s Revelation is Adi Da Himself. In this context there is no enlightenment as a state that has to be achieved. There is only the state of the Reality Itself, which He is, before any kind of appearances and experiences can…
It was bouncing around wildly like a bullet in an enclosed room. I was totally helpless and powerless in…
After I had raged myself to exhaustion I started to cry. I did not want to be an ego, a non-feeling-being, but I had learnt the same unnecessary mechanisms as everybody else and so I depended on Grace in every moment. I felt the self-contraction deep within my navel and I understood how we all accept this condition and take it as given by God. We keep each other imprisoned in it and comfort each other about being this…
Suddenly it was there again, His Presence, which was all-pervasive and outshining all, the radiantly bright sun, far beyond my head. It was a gift, divine Grace. It was not…
Loka. He revealed to me that His spiritual siddhi had nothing to do with the kind of ‘traditional’ spiritual power normally seen or received in this world, and that all spiritual states and experiences, no matter how elevated, blissful and ecstatic they may be, are not the Reality Itself, but only ‘karmic symptoms’. Adi Da, the Truth Itself, comes from a different place. He works from a place beyond any kind of conditional experience. The radiant…
The Absolute, the pure Truth Itself, which precedes everything – even these great Wisdom Teachings – could only be brought down to earth from the Absolute Itself. It is free from any pursuit of highest possibility and the search for Reality Itself, because it IS already THAT.
The whole atmosphere of the sanctuary seemed to be full of Shakti energy, as if countless female beings were flitting around the sanctuary lavishing it with beauty. It felt like a rain of love, shimmering with gold and silver flowers, permanently showering this sacred place.
(Love, sex, and jealousy as vehicles: Adi Da as the only source)
Our love and the commitment to our love were the source of repeated excitation. It was not just an act of sex. It was as if the universe itself, and not us, loved itself and was copulating with itself non-stop. There was no need for any other kind of stimulation, no movement, just the touching in itself was the endless dancing orgasm, which created the seemingly never ending cycle of ecstasy.
Through the love of my Hungarian lover I came to know the power of jealousy and the power to let go of it. I got to know the agony of parting and the limitless and unbearable pain of saying goodbye. In all of this there was never a dilemma in spite of the wound of love(14) that burnt constantly. At some point she disappeared as suddenly as she had appeared. I still lay at the feet of my Beloved Heart Master Adi Da; I look at Him. I look at Him always. It is He who is that love. I still have no desire for something else or for somebody else. The conflicts that I had been expecting had never existed. The gift to be able to love this woman was immeasurable, however I did not miss anything after she had gone, and before she had come no feeling of incompleteness had existed. Indeed, all and everything appeared in Adi Da. These are not just words or some philosophy or a belief that gives hope. It is the Reality. The Only Reality. He is every single one of us. He is in the heart of every single being. There is no other, only Him, Adi Avater, the Radiant Happiness, Love-Ananda, the all-illuminating Love-Bliss. Also, this writer does not exist. Ultimately he is only a somersaulting, relative and short-lived invention that is walking to its unknown destination. On and on.