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However, don’t lose sight of the fact that your patterns are survival strategies — they are not who you are and not your essence. They prevent your essence from shining through and manifesting as presence.
Your survival patterns are also not a way to justify your behavior. Identifying them will help you understand what’s behind your behavior and how to change it, but they’re not an excuse for mistreating anyone, including yourself. I sometimes suggest that clients let themselves be guided by this instruction: “Treat yourself at least as well as you have ever treated your dearest love.” Similarly, understanding another person’s survival patterns will help you understand what’s behind their behavior, but it does not obligate you to accept mistreatment from them. You may feel compassion for them and want to help them feel safer, but you still need to protect yourself and keep yourself safe. Managing their behavior is their responsibility, not yours. Being upset is not a license to mistreat anyone.
As you read this book, you will probably recognize which survival patterns your friends and family go into, and you’ll be tempted to turn your understandings into accusations, such as “You’re so rigid!” or “You’re just leaving!” I urge you not to impose your insights on others or put them in a box this way. If you label people, they will feel judged, and they won’t like the idea that your new understanding gives you power over them.
Our false self and survival patterns unconsciously make many of our choices regarding interests, friends, lovers, career, etc. We can learn to recognize when we are in a survival pattern, and we can acquire the skills needed to shift ourselves out of that pattern and back to being present. The more we are present, the less we find the pattern useful and attractive. Our identity begins to shift from the pattern to presence. As an adult, we may do spiritual practices to reconnect with presence as our true self, but until we heal the core traumas in our body that fuel our survival patterns, we will still go into our patterns when in overwhelm.
The world we see is a filtered and distorted version of the real world. Some parts of the picture have been shifted to the foreground, brought into clear focus with vivid colors, while other parts of the picture have been moved to the background, dimmed and dulled until we hardly notice them at all. But we aren’t aware of these distortions, so we think that the images we see are an accurate picture of the world.
past. You are composing a new, flexible response based on this particular situation. Because your response is tailored to the current situation, it works better than an automatic, fixed reaction. And, because you are present in the moment, you can monitor how well your response is working and adjust it as needed. Your response is calibrated to this situation; it is not an overreaction based on past situations.
tension. A full explanation of shock trauma is beyond the scope of our discussion here, but if you’re interested in learning more, I refer you to Peter Levine’s work, starting with Waking the Tiger (North Atlantic Books, 1997).
Core: This is the skill of holding your attention on and feeling the center of your own body. It is what gives you a felt sense of self. It is required for referencing yourself and perceiving what you actually feel and want. Ground: This is the skill of energetically connecting yourself to the earth, of having a relationship with what supports you, both physically and energetically. It is what gives you a felt sense of that support. Edge or Boundary: This is the skill of creating and holding an energetic boundary around your personal space, also known as your bubble. Just as each cell in your body has a cell membrane that regulates what enters and leaves the cell, each of us needs to have an energetic membrane around our personal space that regulates what enters and leaves our space. This boundary is also necessary for building an energetic charge within the body so that you can take effective action in the world. Me/Not Me: This is the skill of distinguishing between what is you and what is other (not you). Since other people’s thoughts, feelings, and energies can get into your space and cause you to be confused about who you are and what you think and feel, you need a way to clean out your body and your personal space, removing everything that is “not me.” If you have other people’s feelings in your body, mixed in with your own, it can
It’s important to distinguish here between the inner critic and your conscience. Your conscience is based more on empathy and compassion for others, so it develops later, as those abilities come online. It also offers you advice about what to do, and it matures along with you as you develop. The inner critic, however, doesn’t mature much after it is formed, so for the rest of your life it operates with the understanding and maturity of a five-year-old. New situations are measured only against “Will Mom like this? Will Dad be mad? Will I get in trouble for this?” It is a young part of you, trying to protect you in its 5-year-old way. And the inner critic doesn’t just advise you, it attacks you in order to control your behavior. A critic attack always devalues you in some way. It always makes you feel small or stupid or bad in some way. That devaluing is the hallmark of the inner critic and the way you can recognize it every time.
You will then disidentify from your own inner praiser and inner critic, and begin to hear them as separate voices in your head, voices that tell you what Mom and Dad want, but not what you yourself want.
AI Summary
The 5 Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler presents key insights from the contemplative tradition. The 10 passages above capture the essential teachings.
Core Themes:
- [To be expanded]
Key Passages: Highlights 1, 3, and 10 are particularly representative.
This entry was generated from Readwise highlights. Expand with additional context as appropriate.