(Inauthenticity, narcissism, and the cost of not knowing who we are)
Our actions and expressions tend to become false, inauthentic, and reactive, making it difficult to know what authentic action would really be. Without a spontaneous and free sense of who we are, we can only feel empty and unimportant; our lives will lack meaning or significance. Rather than experiencing a sense of value and esteem, we find ourselves feeling worthless and ashamed; rather than enjoying our interactions and activities, we find ourselves beset by anger, rage and envy; instead of being generous and magnanimous, we slide towards exploiting and devaluing others.
In this book we refer to the first condition—that of freely and spontaneously being ourselves—as self-realization. More specifically, self-realization is a manifestation of a certain human development, a development tantamount to the full maturation of humanness which a human being may attain or arrive at. The state of self-realization has definite experiential characteristics including the ones described above. The second condition—the condition of not feeling centered in oneself, or authentic and free enough to be oneself—involves many of the characteristics that are usually ascribed to narcissism. These characteristics form a group of traits that define a syndrome, known in psychological literature as narcissistic disturbance, which is seen as a particular disturbance in the development of the self.
Dimensions of Self
(Mistaken identity: self-concepts that block awareness of true nature)
What makes it so difficult for us as human beings to be deeply authentic and spontaneous, to feel free to be who we naturally are? One aspect of the answer lies in what most spiritual traditions understand to be a case of mistaken identity. Most of us are consciously and unconsciously identified with self-concepts which greatly limit our experience of ourselves and the world. Who we take ourselves to be, as determined by the sets of ideas and images that define us, is very far from the unconditioned reality that deeply realized human beings have come to recognize as our true nature, who we truly are.
Our experience of ourselves can be transformed from identifying with our mental self-images to having awareness of less contingent, more fundamentally real aspects of the self. It is possible to arrive at a place where we can experience ourselves as the actual phenomenon, the actual ontological presence that we are, rather than as ideas and feelings about ourselves. The more we are able to contact the actual presence that we are, the less we are alienated in a superficial or externally defined identity. The more we know the truth of who we are, the more we can be authentic and spontaneous, rather than merely living through concepts of ourselves.
the exploration of deeper, more objective, or more “real” perceptions of the world and of ourselves than we encounter in ordinary experience. These historical paths include: 1. Western philosophy, particularly the Platonic and neoplatonic traditions, some existentialist and phenomenologist thought, and the mystical/gnostic threads within Western religious (Jewish, Islamic and Christian) traditions 2. Modern psychological research and practice, particularly from the perspective created by Freud and developed within ego psychology, self psychology, and object relations theory (including transpersonal, existentialist and humanistic currents in depth psychology, such as Jung’s work) 3. The Eastern traditions such as Buddhism, Vedanta and Kashmir Shaivism, which have developed enormous bodies of understanding of the nature of self and mind based on powerful techniques of inquiry.
These lines of thought all explore the nature of the human being as self or subject and its relation to existence, to the divine or ultimate reality, or Being. In the West, a particularly potent thread of this exploration began with the Platonic inquiry as developed by Socrates. We will see in the course of our investigation how pursuing deeply Socrates’s admonition, “Know thyself,” is a powerful path of liberation from the “cave of illusion,” and how, in our own times, we have knowledge and techniques available to help us engage in this inquiry with more precision and ease.
This fundamental view has illuminated one clear truth about narcissism: Narcissism is a direct consequence of the lack or disturbance of self-realization.
When one is self-realized, one is consciously identified with the most true, real nature of the self. We cannot present here any simple, common-sense description of that true nature; exploring it has occupied philosophers and mystics for centuries. In the next chapter we will describe in more detail what we mean by self-realization. For now, we will simply say that narcissism involves being identified with relatively superficial aspects of the self, as opposed to being aware of one’s identity as Being. This identification with superficial aspects of the self results in a feeling of alienation. The only complete resolution of this alienation, and of narcissism, is the realization of one’s truest, deepest nature.
Psychological methods, as well as spiritual and certain religious ways of inquiring into the nature of the self, all have in common processes of seeing through illusions—inaccurate beliefs about oneself, about other people, and about the world. With a deeper appreciation of the nature of the self, psychology could take these processes much further, expanding both the theoretical understanding of self and its usefulness for the healing and support of human development.
Even though the existence of the deeper and more expanded dimensions of experience can be easily verified personally by anyone who engages seriously in any of the myriad spiritual practices, and even though there are indeed whole centuries-long bodies of scholarship in which these dimensions are explored in detail by communities of mystics, philosophers, artists and writers, still, the current conventional mind, including the perspective that dominates modern psychology, considers such realms of experience unscientific or unverifiable. (See Appendix A for a discussion of the question of the scientific status of discrimination within these realms of experience.) It is true that the deeper, or spiritual, dimensions of experience are not normally accessible to everyday consciousness. But this is true of many realms of experience. With respect to physical reality, for instance, it took the use of specialized instruments and a body of scientific insight to reveal that the physical world is made up more of space than of solid matter, and that the nature of solid matter is not what it appears to superficial perception. The conventional, “obvious” opaqueness and solidity of the physical world is a limited experience; it is only the way things appear.
(Soul as living ontological presence, not a construct or split-off part)
In order to pursue our exploration of self-realization, we must elucidate how we are using the word self. Our use of the word is unusual in that it refers to an actual ontological presence, not a construct. This emphasis on the actual presence of what is here as the self-, rather than on the content of the constructed aspects of the field of awareness, is a crucial aspect of our method of exploration and of our theoretical view. In our view, the self is a living organism that constitutes a field of perception and action. This is what we call “soul.” Fundamentally, it is an organism of consciousness, a field of awareness capable of what we call experience—experience of the world and of self-reflective awareness of itself. In this book we will use the words soul and self somewhat interchangeably; the meaning of either word is always that defined above. Our understanding of soul is not that it is a split off or special part of the self that is more esoteric or ethereal or spiritual than any other elements. We use the word soul to describe the entire organism. This usage reflects the fact that the deepest perception of the self reveals that the entire Being of the self is of the same nature as that which, in conventional reality, is relegated to the spiritual or the divine.
The soul, as an alive conscious presence, is ultimately not separate from the structures which form the ego. It is when they are taken as the self’s identity that these structures alienate the soul’s experience from awareness of its true nature.
The soul is an actual and real ontological presence; it is not simply a product of the body, as much modern thought would define it. However, it is not necessary for the purposes of this book to completely clarify the relationship of the self to the body. Even if the soul were somehow a product of the body, these qualities of consciousness and dynamism of the soul would remain demonstrable, even obvious.
The conventional realms are involved in and generally affected by the experience of Being, but when the dimension of Being is experienced there is a profound difference in one’s perspective. The reason we have the capacity to experience Being is that the self is an actual ontological presence, a presencing of Being, not simply a construct, and this presence has the capacity to be self-aware. Thus, for the self to become directly aware of the realm of Being is for it to directly experience its own nature. We will examine this phenomenon in detail in later chapters. Two capacities of the self are particularly relevant to the development of narcissism as we understand it. The first is the capacity of the mind to form concepts and structures of concepts in response to experience. The second is the capacity of the self to identify with different aspects of experience, particularly with images in the mind and with habitual emotional and physical states.
The “fall” into narcissism happens as the self forms concepts and structures of concepts, and then identifies with them at the cost of its awareness of Being.
The experience of the soul in a self-realized state is patterned by the intrinsic qualities of its Being, and by the structure of all dimensions of Being, including physical reality. The state of self-realization allows the soul to remain aware of its essential nature, yet at the same time to remain aware of the world of thought and speech, of social life and physical life, and to function in this world.
When, in the course of maturation, or in the context of some identity-shaking life event, or in the pursuit of a spiritual path, we become more open to knowing—or “remembering”—the self in its deeper nature, our narcissism begins to become transparent. If, at these times, we are graced with the opportunity to pursue the truth of our identity rather than compensating for our spiritual dissatisfaction, we can begin to reverse this “fall.” When the soul is caught up in rigid identifications and relations with others and the world, it is not satisfied. In every soul there is an inherent drive toward truth, an inherent desire to feel fulfilled, real and free. Although many people are not able to pursue this desire effectively, the impetus toward the realization of the self is in all of us; it begins with the first stirrings of consciousness and continues throughout life whether or not we are directly aware of it.
In self-realization our experience of ourselves is a pure act of consciousness. We know ourselves by directly being ourselves. All self-images have been rendered transparent, and we no longer identify with any construct in the mind. There is no reactivity to past, present or future. There is no effort to be ourselves. There is no interference with our experience, no manipulation, no activity—inner or outer—involved with maintaining our identity; we simply are. We are able to respond, feel, think, act—but from a purely spontaneous and authentic presence. We are not defensive, not judging ourselves, nor trying to live up to any standard. We may also be silent, empty, or spacious. We do not have to do anything to be ourselves. We are whole, one, undivided. It is not the wholeness of the harmony of parts, but the wholeness of singlehood. We are one. We are ourselves. We are being. We simply are.
We are at ease, spontaneously real, without psychological artifacts, pretensions, falsehoods. We are not constructed, not even by our own minds. Our experience of ourselves is totally direct and unmediated.
When we are being ourselves fully and directly, free from all influence of past experience, a quantum leap occurs in the experience of the self. The perception of ourselves departs from the conventional dimension of experience, although most of the elements of that dimension remain available in the experience. To be ourselves fully, spontaneously, and authentically, means simply to be. Not to be a reaction, not to be determined or influenced by image or experience from the past, not to be according to memory and mind—is to simply be.
(Self-realization as presence experiencing itself: no mediation, no effort)
In self-realization we experience ourselves being present as presence. It is not the presence of the body, the emotions, the thoughts. It is the presence of presence. To be fully cognizant of oneself as presence is the central and most positive characteristic of the experience of self-realization.
This medium is homogeneous, unified, whole, and undivided, exactly like a body of water. This homogeneous medium is consciousness.
The experience self-realization, of knowing oneself as self-pervasive consciousness, is felt experientially as an exquisite sense of intimacy. The self-existing consciousness experiences itself so immediately that it is completely intimate with its reality. The intimacy is complete because there is no mediation in the self’s experience of itself. We feel an exquisite stillness, a peace beyond all description, and a complete sense of being truly ourselves. We are so totally ourselves that we feel directly intimate with every atom of our consciousness, completely intimate with and mixed with our true identity. The contentment is like settling down peacefully at home after eons of restless and agonized wandering. Clarity and peace combine as the feeling of exquisite, contented intimacy, which is totally independent of the particulars of our situation, beyond the conceptual confines of time and space. The peace and contentment do not come from accomplishing anything, nor are they a result of anything. They are part of the actual feeling of being truly ourselves.
(The emptiness that arises when self-images dissolve, and what it becomes)
When a person is not identified with the content of mind, he will not necessarily experience his identity immediately as essential presence. A more typical development, discussed at length in Chapter 11, and in our book, The Void (Almaas, 1986), is that the first thing one is faced with is the experience of emptiness. When one is not identified with the usual content, the experience might be: “There is nothing there!” or even “I am not here!” This emptiness will evoke all kinds of issues and reactions, but eventually it resolves into something more peaceful: spaciousness. The mind feels expanded and open to experience, without identification or attachment to any particular content.
Without the usual identity defining one’s experience, one might simply experience, “I am.” One can become aware of the central point of one’s attention or awareness. Meister Eckhart wrote, “God has left a little point where the soul turns back on itself and finds itself.”
self-realization we experience the soul as the wholeness of the self, in a dynamic unfoldment of presence coemergent with all content of experience.
The soul is an organism whose essential identity is presence; it is also a structured, self-organizing dynamic unfoldment of this presence. Being aware of the dynamic unfoldment gives the experience of the self a quality of flow, as we discussed in the previous chapter. Like other manifestations of Being, particularly apparent in biological life, the flow of self unfolds according to an inherent structure of development.
The dimensions, structures and qualities of the self develop as a holistic, synergistic, and self-organizing process. The forms of the essential presence manifest as part of this development of the total self.
(How the soul loses wholeness and the fall into narcissism begins)
Narcissism develops when the soul loses touch with its wholeness, especially as it loses touch with its true nature. The soul loses awareness of its wholeness through the loss of the immediacy of experience, which results from experiencing itself through past impressions. The loss of immediacy is identical with the loss of awareness of presence, and since presence is the “glue” that unifies all aspects of experience, wholeness is gone. The baby loses her primary self-realization (and her primary narcissism) as she begins to experience herself as an object.
Our concepts in general are descriptive of the actual phenomenology of lived and felt experience. They are as experiential, or as experience-near (derived from lived experience rather than from theoretical considerations) as we can make them. They arose directly out of the actual experience of the author, his associates and the many students he has worked with.
Our view of the self is closer to that of the Sufi, Indian yogic, and Buddhist views than it is to Jung’s, even though Jung’s view is original in its illumination of certain aspects of the self. For a discussion of a Christian view of the self, see Chapter 43. The Sufis view the self as a consciousness that can experience itself within different planes of existence, and that can evolve towards wholeness and spiritual realization. The notion of an evolving self can be seen in the following passage by a Sufi author: The Self, called the Nafs, goes through certain stages in Sufi development, first existing as a mixture of physical reactions, conditioned behavior and various subjective aspirations. The seven stages of the Self constitute the transformation process, ending with the stage of perfection and clarification. Some have called this process the ‘refinement of the Ego.’ (Shah, 1978, p. 82)
Object relations theory has become the dominant psychoanalytic theory of ego development. Its main insight is that the ego develops, primarily through the integration of early experiences, into organized mental structures. These mental structures, termed ego structures, are systems of memories that have become organized through the processes of assimilation or introjection, identification, integration, synthesis, and so on, into an overall schema patterning the self.
In fact, the self-representation is even more intimately linked to the self ’s experience of itself than the metaphor of the lens and the eye suggests. The experience of the self is actually determined by the self-representation. The phenomenology of the self ’s experience presents itself through this representation, and hence, what the self perceives and experiences as itself, in its present experience, is greatly determined by it. The self-representation actually sculpts the forms that arise as the phenomenological particulars of the self’s experience of itself.
To summarize, then, we have identified several factors in the development of the self-concept that lead to such a thorough identification with this self-concept that one cannot differentiate between self and self-concept. These are: 1. the soul’s tendency for identification with the content of experience 2. the patterning by the self-representation of the forms in which the soul’s experience unfolds 3. the lack of capacity for self-recognition in the infant prior to the development of self-representation 4. the loss of immediacy of experience as self-representations form.
Enlarging the view of the self to include these deeper dimensions is accomplished not through an arbitrary trick of redefining the self, but in direct response to an extensive knowledge of the actual lived experience of those whose identities have expanded to include these dimensions.
Pia’s experience involves many narcissistic elements, the most obvious ones involving the state of “no self,” the fears about it, and the defenses against it. We will return to these later, but here we focus on how the expanded view of the self resolves these narcissistic manifestations by reconnecting with the presence of Being, rather than by building a psychic structure.
She started by wondering about the recent intensification of her self-consciousness, inability to concentrate, restlessness, judgment of herself, and desire for food and sex; in other words, there was a general tendency to avoid being with herself, as she sits down to read. It also happened that she was reading about the Buddhist concept of “no self,” partly because in her process she was beginning to experience a sense of having no self. I interpreted her judgment of herself, picking on herself, and increased craving for sex and food, as expressions of her inner need for the psychic presence of her parents (selfobjects, using Kohut’s terminology), in either attacking or soothing forms.
The mental representations of the parents, whether they were attacking or soothing, functioned to cushion her against full awareness of the “no self” state. As she began to recognize this defensive activity, the state of “no self” manifested more intensely. I explained to her then that this state of “no self” is not what she was reading about. This was necessary because her belief that she was experiencing the Buddhist state of “no self” was preventing her from accurately understanding her state. This clarification gave her the opportunity to view her experience freshly, with no preconceptions. At this point the state of “no self” manifested phenomenologically as emptiness, accompanied by fear. She was experiencing herself as an empty shell. Becoming aware of the identification with the empty shell allowed her to experience the emptiness directly, having seen her resistance against full awareness of it.
Fully allowing the sense of emptiness leads to one of the most common manifestations of narcissism, the sense of being insignificant. The affect of insignificance often accompanies narcissistic emptiness, the emptiness that results from the dissolution of the self-concept, as does the feeling of “no self.” (We will discuss the various affects which accompany narcissistic emptiness in Chapter 29.) When Pia was able to allow, without resistance, the sense of insignificance and the quality of emptiness,
This ushered her into the dimension of Being, which had the qualities of clarity, peace, and depth.
It is true that the emptiness, and the sense of empty shell that preceded it, resulted from, and is the inner phenomenological reality of, the “no self” state that frightened Pia. It is also true that this state indicates a weakening or dissolution of the self-representation as part of what she was going through at the time. But contrary to what Masterson and most depth psychologists believe, this does not imply that the resolution will involve establishing a psychic structure, which in this case would be the strengthening of her self-representation. However, since her increasing understanding of herself was revealing the self-representation as an empty shell, only tolerating the dissolution of the self-image could bring the issue to resolution. In the process, it
Pia is not basically a narcissistic person; her narcissistic emptiness does not reflect narcissistic pathology—it does not characterize her daily life. The emptiness was arising mainly because her self-representation was becoming conscious as part of her process of spiritual development. In the typical process of this work, the self-representation is exposed to be the mental structure that functions both to alienate one from one’s essential presence, and to veil the resulting emptiness of this alienation, in addition to providing the feeling of self. When Pia finally experienced the emptiness without the defense of resorting to internalized object relations to shore up her dissolving self-representation, this emptiness transformed into a positive state, a pleasant, clear, and boundless spaciousness. This spaciousness then connected her to the missing essential quality, the peaceful and deep sense of presence, which she felt in her belly.
The abiding flow of experience in self-realization is neither “driven” nor “led”; it is the natural and spontaneous flow of presence. The soul unfolds as the manifestation of its essential forms and qualities. This dynamic property of the self is the basis of all its action. In the initial stages of self-realization, in which presence is
The psychological activity which is the dynamic center of the ego-self is composed, then, of desire that implies both hope and rejection, and its content is determined
Since presence is the condition of the self when it is simply being, it can arise only when we are accepting our present condition. Thus, the rejection implicit in the activity
To summarize, then, three of Kohut’s contributions to the understanding of the self are particularly important for our study: 1. The self develops a center, the bipolar self. This center becomes the central sector of the self. 2. The center has two poles, ambitions and ideals. 3. The center of the self is characterized by the flow of psychological activity, termed a tension arc. Kohut relates narcissism to this central part of the self. The firm establishment of a cohesive and realistic center characterizes narcissistic health and narcissistic disturbance is due to disturbances in this development. Our discussion and critique of the views of the self and narcissism in the theories of Kohut and other psychologists has established the following: 1. Viewing the depth of the self as primarily emotional fixates the self on a partial manifestation of its nature, and hence, perpetuates narcissism. 2. Identifying the self with the body also fixates the self on a partial manifestation of it, which both causes and is the outcome of fundamental narcissism. 3. Ego activity, which is the dynamic property of the center of the ego-self, perpetuates the disconnection of the self from the deeper truth of its Being, and hence, both causes and is caused by fundamental narcissism. 4. Identification with mental representations, or a psychic structure patterned by such representations, is the most fundamental cause of narcissistic disturbance. 5. Fundamental narcissism, the specific and most central manifestation of the disconnection from the essential core of the self, the presence of Being, underlies all other forms of narcissism. 6. Pathological narcissism is a distortion or an exaggeration of fundamental narcissism. 7. Fundamental narcissism is an intrinsic property of the ego-self, which is the self as experienced in the dimension of conventional experience.
What are the main psychological patterns, the primary structures? We can look at this question from the perspective of our lived experience as well as from the perspective of developmental psychology. In normal personal experience the ego-self is what we experience as ourselves. We experience the self as an entity among other entities. We do not experience ourselves as part of something else, but as an entity in our own right. We experience our existence as our own, fundamentally separate and autonomous from other entities or phenomena. It is possible for us to experience ourselves not as an entity, but this is unusual. There are basically three situations in which this is possible. The first is in early infancy before the development of a separate sense of self. Most developmental theories hold that the neonate is not aware of itself as a separate self, that at the beginning experience is not referred to a self differentiated from the rest of the perceptual field. The second situation is severe psychopathology in which the normal sense of self did not develop or developed inadequately. In some unusual circumstances this condition
Being an entity, however, is not identical to being an individual; individuality presumes entitihood, but entitihood does not entail individuality. The relevance of this apparently subtle discrimination will become clear as we proceed. It is particularly important for understanding the later stages of self-realization.
We have now differentiated four categories of self-experience: self (or soul), entity, individuality, and identity. Soul is the totality of the human being, primordially a wholeness. In self-realization we recognize it as the experiencing consciousness. In the dimension of conventional experience the soul experiences itself as an entity. This sense of entity is the basis of the self experiencing itself as an individuality. The self, as an individuality, can recognize itself directly because it possesses an identity, which it experiences as the feeling of identity. These concepts are the basic and most general patterns of the experience of the self in the dimension of conventional experience. They are the primary experiences, or psychic structures, of the normal self. We have delineated them so precisely because such precision is necessary for completely understanding narcissism and self-realization.
To become directly conscious of the manifestation of self as an entity is unusual. The sense of being an entity is so basic that we naturally believe it to be intrinsic to what we are, and not an acquired perception. Indeed, although developmental psychology has demonstrated that this sense is a developmental achievement, it is assumed to be not a pattern that is formed, but a reality that is recognized in the course of development. The view is that the sense of being an entity is an intrinsic quality of the self, although to experience it and identify with it is a developmental achievement. In the deeper dimensions of spiritual awareness, however, the sense of being an entity is seen quite clearly to be not intrinsic to the self. One sees clearly that it is an acquired pattern. The sense of being an entity is the most general aspect of the self-representation. It can arise clearly in awareness and be questioned experientially only at deep levels of understanding the nature of the self; we need not discuss it in detail in our present study. Of the four primary categories of self-experience we are discussing, individuality is the most familiar in direct experience. However, we normally do not experience even this property very consciously or precisely. We simply have a general sense of being an individual, or a person, or an individuality. Personal individuality and its essential counterpart are the subject of our previous book in this series, The Pearl Beyond Price (Almaas, 1988).
He writes about his discovery, and the resulting transformation of his experience in the group session: It became clear that identifying with my personality and my self-image as lacking capacities was a way of having identity. Seeing myself with capacities, I felt without identity, not able to recognize myself as I have always known myself. I felt like nothing. My experience of being nothing was at first frightening, without identity. As we worked I began experiencing contact with you. I began to feel in my belly a strong, warm sense of being substantial, with substance of my own. I felt as if capacity came from this state, this place inside me, and without effort, and when needed. I felt love along with these feelings. While working, I had a strong clarity that what I need comes from inside me. From nothing comes the source that makes all the sense in the world to me. I felt a definite separation from my personality, and experienced Being. While working with you, I understood the nature of this work much more deeply than ever before. I felt like there was a bubbling stream inside me, a source of everything. I felt a major transformation, or rather a shift to something much more real.
(Exposing the shell: the empty facade taken for a self)
In the work of self-realization, the first and most important part of working on the narcissistic constellation involves exposing the shell. This means realizing directly that what we take ourselves to be is not real, that it is an empty shell, a facade constructed from images and identifications.
This is the inner spiritual inspiration, the true motive behind the spiritual quest, the search for meaning, which is actually the search for the essence of the self.
The initial discovery of Essence begins a journey of discovery, a period of wonderful experiences of Essence. It feels like a honeymoon. Little by little, however, it dawns on the student, to his dismay, that there is a big problem. He becomes aware that although he experiences his essence, in some deep and disturbing sense it is still not him. He does not recognize directly and nonconflictually that it is truly him. His experiences of Essence seem to be only experiences that sometimes happen to him, the same “him” he always was. Simply experiencing Essence does not necessarily lead to confronting the shell. Many devotional practices, for example, produce essential experiences without bringing up the question of identity. The experience can be attributed to the guru, or the divine, without shaking up the normal sense of identity. Only one’s consideration of the possibility that the self is Essence will ultimately lead to the understanding of the shell. The student will recognize that it is because of the shell that he does not take himself to be the Essence.
He, as the self, experiences Essence, instead of experiencing himself as Essence. The more he contemplates this situation, the more he perceives that he is identifying with an empty shell. As this happens, the feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness arise quite poignantly. Narcissistic transferences
This conception leaves out the truth that most genuine spiritual teachings of humankind have expressed: that there is such a thing as true and ultimate liberation. This liberation includes fundamental independence from external sources for one’s inner equilibrium. Reduction of the human potential to identification with mature, realistic object relations negates the phenomenon of the full realization of individuals like Buddha or Lao Tzu, who proclaimed full and absolute independence from others with respect to their sense of self, well-being, and inner equilibrium. More fundamentally, this model, like many others in depth psychology, excludes the most fundamental truth about the human spirit: that it is Being itself, completely independent from mind, psychic structure, or object relations.
When a student finally recognizes it precisely, she usually feels, “I don’t know what to do,” or “I can’t do anything.” To illustrate this important development, we will present another student’s experience.
The most important insight needed for a student to move from the deficient lack of support to the actual state of support is the recognition that the feeling of helplessness, of not knowing what to do to be oneself, is not an actual deficiency, nor a personal failing. It is rather, the recognition of a fundamental truth about the self, which is that we cannot do anything in order to be, for to be is not an activity.
This fundamental insight underlies many advanced spiritual practices, such as those of surrender and “nondoing” meditation. We can arrive at this insight by exploring the question of support for identity, but it is another matter to remember and practice it. When we truly learn this fundamental truth, then we have become wise; for self-realization is now an effortless relaxation into the nature of who we are, and this is the presence of Being. Nothing more need be done; the transformation is a matter now of spontaneous unfoldment.
As we begin to understand this perspective, we may learn that one’s helplessness is based on a delusion: the belief that there is something we need to do in order to be ourselves and the resulting conviction that we can know what it
Many spiritual disciplines use the ego activity intentionally, with a great deal of energy and effort, to gain as much as possible from it; but at the same time, they use it in a way that tends to expose its nature. For such disciplines to be successful, the activity must be such that in time its nature and function are revealed.
The characteristics of solidity, groundedness, immovability, and confidence are the characteristics of Will on the Being level.
It is one of the several aspects that are central for transformation, like those of Loving Kindness, Strength, Peace, and Joy.
This kind of experience is not known in the conventional dimension of the self, and it might not make sense from that perspective, but it makes a great deal of sense from the perspective of many spiritual traditions.
When we understand deeper levels of the human potential, we see that the internalization of psychic structures is only one of the mechanisms in the development of support for the self.
The concept of internalization can also help us understand another question important for self-realization: What exactly is psychic structure?35 Even in the work of self-realization of normal individuals, the healing of segments of the self that approach narcissistic pathology might require a stage of internalization. Furthermore, internalization is usually part of the overall process of the integration of essential presence. But this internalization is not primarily responsible for the transformation. Since the primary transformation of narcissism is the discovery and the permanent establishment of essential presence, as the student’s realization goes to very deep levels, even those structures that have been built in relation to the teacher and the work will be exposed. When this occurs, what sort of structure could remain?
The psychic structures established to support the familiar sense of identity, such as those which internalize the functions of the idealized object, are fundamentally false because they support a false identity. All psychic structures based on past impressions are found to be false when the emptiness underneath them reveals their unreality.
are not merely cre ated from the needs of the child, but reflect the qualities of something real.
Then to my amazement, for a long time afterward the dominant state was the felt sense of the Diamond Will, immovable, unaffectable, immense, but at the same time direct and simple. In intimate situations with a friend I could feel I was in a much deeper place than my friend, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t need my friend to be where I was, and didn’t feel the usual narcissistic hurt that I wasn’t seen. I felt completely free to be myself whether there was support and mirroring or not.
What is the relation between support and will?
This dimension of Essence supports the soul’s identity with Being, not only by its presence, but also, very significantly, because its presence exposes the futility of engaging in activity to support one’s sense of self. The “diamond” quality refers to the fact that this quality of presence is of a particular precise knowledge, a whole dimension of spiritual understanding. The presence of this quality teaches us that we do not need inner ego activity to support our true identity; in fact, the moment we reengage this habitual activity, we lose contact with the presence of the Diamond Will.
challenges all the false supports, all the activities and mechanisms that the self utilizes to gain support. The understanding that arises as we integrate this dimension of experience attains great subtlety and profundity. It includes the understanding of mental functioning and no-mind, timelessness, surrender and nondoing, and the ending of the search.
(Diamond Will: the support that makes ego activity unnecessary)
This full integration is not an easy feat. It requires a great deal of commitment and confrontation with the situation of the self. The wisdom of nondoing is rarely attained in a complete way; most students develop it only partially. To fully develop the wisdom of nondoing, which is to absorb all the wisdom of the dimension of the Diamond Will, is to attain permanent self-realization.
Being is a unity, implicitly complete and perfect. When we engage in inner ego activity to sustain and protect our sense of identity, this activity blocks the experience of Being. It specifically blocks the Diamond Will. Blocking any quality of Being constitutes a barrier to full realization, because Being is a unity and does not exist in isolated parts. When this particular barrier is removed, we first experience Being in the aspect of the implicit perfection that had been blocked.
While we recognize it as the true support, we see also that it is actually much more than support; it is a perfection of Being that remains mysterious regardless of how clearly and completely we know it. It is in this sense that the Diamond Will is the support for the Essential Identity. The Essential Identity cannot stand on its own because it is only one of the perfections of Being. For it to stand on its own would mean that it can be isolated from the unity of Being. The Essential Identity is the perfection that represents the total identity of the self with this unity.
is in this sense that the Diamond Will is the support for the Essential Identity. The Essential Identity cannot stand on its own because it is only one of the perfections of Being. For it to stand on its own would mean that it can be isolated from the unity of Being. The Essential Identity is the perfection that represents the total identity of the self with this unity.
The sense of immensity and majesty is breathtaking, reminding us of the mother spaceship in the movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Given that this breathtaking structure is the prototype, it is no wonder that in our transferences the idealized object is imbued with such perfection of power and beauty.
This is a resolution of a spiritual nature. It is not only a matter of developing a sense of individuation with a capacity for relating with others. It is not only a matter of establishing a stable sense of autonomy with realistic self-esteem. It is a matter of fundamentally knowing oneself as an authentic presence of Being, which feels personal and human, and whose self-esteem springs from the fact that this presence is its own value. This realization requires the integration of the Personal Essence, as discussed in The Pearl Beyond Price (Almaas, 1988). As part of the process of integration, one must address the narcissism related to the Personal Essence, until one is able not only to permanently experience it, but is able to be it in a nondual manner. This is the coemergence of self-realization and individuation. It is a very subtle state in which we experience the Essential Identity and the Personal Essence as one manifestation of presence. We are the fullness of the personal presence, but our center is the brilliant preciousness of the Essential Identity. We are capable of living a personal life as a human being, with competence, dignity, and maturity, but our center and source is the timeless preciousness of true nature. We are in the world, but we never leave the transcendent depths of Being.
Recognizing and appreciating the nature of the oedipal self and its narcissistic disturbances brings us a powerful understanding of the phenomenon of falling in love. The characteristics of this form of self, both the sweetness of love and the ecstasy of passion, are exactly what the individual in love enjoys. To be in love is to be swept by an ecstatic love, in which the sweetness of appreciation and affection cannot be separated from a passionate desire to be one with the beloved. We feel full, alive, sexually stimulated, and vigorous; we behold the beloved as beautiful, luscious, sexy, and extremely desirable. We feel tender and selflessly loving, but also turned on, excited and full of life.
The lover has extreme hopes for a level of fulfillment that goes beyond merely the reciprocation of love; he deeply entertains the hope for complete narcissistic gratification, which will enable him to spontaneously be himself with deep, orgiastic abandon. In other words, the lover’s desire is not only the reciprocation of his passionate love, but the realization—through the support and mirroring in this reciprocation—of his oedipal self.
(The famished soul: narcissistic hunger and the emptiness beneath it)
The student understands at this point that this hungry, empty self is the deepest psychodynamic source of his selfishness, self-centeredness, self-seeking, exploitativeness, cruelty, heartlessness, and compulsive need for narcissistic supplies. This self views these supplies—the admiration, acknowledgment, recognition, support, love, success, acclaim, applause, and the rest—as a kind of food it needs to assuage the gnawing hunger and to fill its painful emptiness. At this point, as the underlying emptiness of the self begins to manifest, the student might experience the usual narcissistic meaninglessness and emptiness of life and existence. He feels empty and meaningless, but also experiences the whole world as empty, devoid of warmth and nourishment. Persisting with exploring these manifestations, he discovers that for this self, meaning is food, or a full stomach. However, this food has a narcissistic quality to it. Before he actually experiences the emptiness, he feels hungry, and observes that he tries to assuage his hunger with narcissistic supplies. He tries to fill himself with acclaim, applause, admiring mirroring, adoring support, and idealizing love, with recognition, appreciation, and approval, but goes about it with the uncontrollable hunger of a famished soul. He can never get enough; his satiation is transitory and his fullness can only be short-lived.
This dimension of discrimination is not the operation of the personal mind, which cannot be free from its concepts, contaminated by the misunderstanding, obscurations, associations, and prejudices stemming from a personal history whose conditioning and emotional reactions determine perception. The spiritual dimension of discriminating wisdom is the direct perception of the self-existing and real discrimination in the actual premises of experience. It is free from the influences of the past, uncreated by the individual mind.
This dimension of discrimination, the precise discrimination of the ontological pattern in perception, is what has been referred to as the “nous” or “first intellect” in Neoplatonic and Hellenic philosophies, the “logos” in some schools of Christian theology, and “the total or universal intellect” in Sufi ontology,
as object relations theory views the building of ego structures.
This optimizing force is felt as an inner pressure to complete the task of bringing about the development of the self to its ultimate possibility, that of primordial wholeness, but also as an inner guidance towards this task of completeness.
The essence of this dynamism, which is directly perceived in spiritual development—although present in early childhood development—is the essential flow of presence as it transforms its qualities and properties.
It is this ontologically given, and spontaneously functioning, evolutionary dynamism of the self that we see driving human psychological evolution, which is experienced directly in self-realization, but lost sight of in the experience of the ego-self.
arc, which derives its energy ultimately from the dynamism of Being, but functions in ways that disconnect it from Being.
The distinction between structures of the self and mental structures of memories is ordinarily immaterial for the concerns of object relations theory because the field of study of this theory, and depth psychological research in general, consists only of experiences in the conventional domain of the self. This dimension of experience is formed by the imprint of organized systems of images (based on memories) on the substrate of the self, as we will see shortly, and hence such systems are usually not found separate from psychic structures. In other words, in the conventional domain of experience, mental systems (of memories and images) exist as the structuring imprint of the psychic structures, and hence inseparable from them. Therefore, there is normally no need to distinguish the two in discussing the experience of the self. The distinction is important in theory and for the work of spiritual development, for the latter involves developing the capacity to experience the self free from the influences of memory. The fixation of these representations in the mind is called “internalization.” As more of these representations accumulate, which means as more memories are retained and fixed, there begins a process of organization of these representations. This organization of internalized object relations is the task of the separation-individuation process, which ordinarily culminates in the development of self and object constancy.
This is an important methodological difference from the psychotherapeutic approaches founded on depth psychology, based on a difference of view regarding the origin and meaning of narcissistic emptiness. Psychotherapeutic methods do not usually focus on the impartial experience of emptiness because such emptiness is considered a manifestation of psychopathology, in this case a weakness or loss of a self-structure. Focusing on the emptiness is thought to intensify pathology, that is, to weaken the psychic structure instead of supporting or strengthening it.
More accurately, the closer we are to the dimension of primordial presence, the closer our discriminating capacity is to the wisdom of discrimination, and the deeper, more accurate and objective our experience and understanding of ourselves is. Again, this precise and clear discrimination that exists in the depths of the self as an intrinsic facet of its primordial essential nature, makes possible ever deeper, more precise experience and understanding of experience. This deepening in understanding arises through genuine interest in clearer, more precise, and real discrimination of experience.