The Enneagram

Conventional psychological theories of personality can often be helpful in giving us insights into why we act and feel as we do. Less frequently, they actually allow us to change some parts of our selves that are causing us unnecessary suffering.

Further, all theories about personality are only partially true, so something that seems insightful and makes sense in the system may not apply in reality, or may actually be an obstacle to self-change. Too, aspects of our personality that aren’t interested in real self-understanding (an inflated image of ourselves, for example) may block really effective application of any system of personality. And sometimes intellectual insight isn’t enough: we need the emotional insight that usually only comes with the help of a skilled counselor or therapist or the shock of an intense life event.

The successful malcontent knows that he or she is “happy” by ordinary standards but seeks therapy because he or she finds that life is nevertheless “empty.” Isn’t there more to life than money, career, consumer goods, social life? Where is the meaning?

The major exception was Jung: his idea of the collective unconscious was an opening into the spiritual dimensions of our existence.

Gurdjieff, well aware of the useless suffering created by flaws in our personalities, taught that each of us had a chief feature that was the central axis around which the delusional aspects of our personalities revolved.

Even more important, I could see the central way in which my approach to life was defective and I had a general outline of the ways to work on changing it. I understood the behavior of many of my friends once I could type them and was able to interact more effectively with them and be a better friend. Years of personal growth work following that initial set of insights identifying my Enneagram type continued to validate the usefulness of the system to me.

The Enneagram is an ancient Sufi teaching that describes nine different personality types and their interrelationships. The teaching can help us to recognize our own type and how to cope with our issues; understand our work associates, lovers, family, and friends; and to appreciate the predisposition that each type has for higher human capacities such as empathy, omniscience, and love.

The power of the system lies in the fact that ordinary patterns of personality, those very habits of heart and mind that we tend to dismiss as merely neurotic, are seen as potential access points into higher states of awareness.

When your attention shifts from surface cues, you can recognize type by falling into an appreciation of the aspirations and the difficulties that the members of a type will share.

When you see the world from the point of view of other types of mind, you are immediately made aware that each type is limited by a systematic bias.

It is important to stress the ways that people are different from each other, because so much of the suffering that we experience in our relationships with other people is caused by the fact that we are blind to their point of view.

The Enneagram, however, is not a fixed system. It is a model of interconnecting lines that indicate a dynamic movement, in which each of us has the potentials of all nine types, or points, although we identify most strongly with the issues of our own.

The structure of a nine-pointed star with interconnecting lines also suggests that each type possesses a versatility of movement between points. The nine points correlate well with current psychological typology2 and the interconnecting lines indicate specific relationships between the different types that are only now beginning to be examined in the current psychological literature.

actually a composite of three major aspects—a dominant aspect, which identifies a type’s world view, and two additional aspects that describe behavior in security or under stress.

When attention is glued to a particular set of preoccupations that define our type, we are definitely in a box. We are not free. When we cannot detach attention from a recurring preoccupation, when we lose the ability to observe our own behavior in a dispassionate way, then we are under the control of our own habits and have lost freedom of choice.

Typing can set up an unfortunate self-fulfilling prophecy. We may learn to type people and then begin to treat others as caricature composites of a list of type traits, which very effectively reinforces type. We are all molded by the ways in which we are treated, and all of us tend to believe what others read into us. All too often we begin to see ourselves in the way that we are seen by others and to take on the characteristics of what we have been trained to be. This is why I say that the Enneagram’s problem is that it’s very good.

With a good system and a wrong attitude about typing, we can forget that the purpose of knowing personality type is to learn to set it aside in order to get on with the real work of embodying higher consciousness. A small-minded approach to typing reduces the value and purpose of a system that suggests that type is merely a stepping-stone to higher human abilities.

Labeling and boxing does not work, because people are far more versatile and complex than anything that could possibly be described by a list of character traits.

why bother to uncover type at all? The reason for discovering your own type is so you can build a working relationship with yourself. You can count on the experience of your similars to guide you, and you can discover the conditions that will make you thrive rather than continue to play out neurotic trends. The most important reason to study type isn’t so you can learn to spot other people’s character traits, it’s so you can lessen your own human suffering.

The second reason to study type is so you can understand other people as they are to themselves, rather than as you see them from your own point of view. This

The word Enneagram stems from the Greek ennea, meaning “nine,” and grammos, meaning “points.”

In its entirety the system is a highly articulated teaching that parallels the Cabala’s Tree of Life and, in fact, overlaps with the Tree in several ways.

The concept that we are generally “asleep” to our own motivations, and that our perceptions are distorted by psychological defenses, was an immense insight for the students. Although they worked diligently at the practices, they did so in blind faith that the teacher could introduce them to something, for they had little psychological understanding of their own.

When attention is organized into a separate observing self, you are in a position to be more objective about who you really are; and with practice the observer, rather than any particular thoughts or feelings that you might have, begins to seem like your real self.

Well you know how alcohol opens up a man so that what he has previously managed to keep hidden is revealed. That is what the Arabs mean when they say “alcohol makes a man more so.”9

Psychological Buffers

The main obstacle to the self-recognition of type is the presence of what Gurdjieff called buffers. He believed that we hide our negative traits of character from ourselves through an elaborate system of internal buffers, or psychological defense mechanisms, that blind us to the forces that are at work within our own personality. Given the fact that Freud was pioneering the concept of unconscious defense mechanisms in roughly the same time frame in which Gurdjieff’s students were learning the practices of self-observation, the attempt to teach people to observe their own buffers, rather than probing the unconscious through the agency of an analyst, was a radical approach to the inner life.

The major defense mechanisms that are related to Enneagram types One through Nine, respectively, are reaction formation, repression, identification, introjection, isolation, projection, rationalization, denial, and narcotization.

They are created not by nature but by man himself, although involuntarily. The cause of their appearance is the existence in man of many contradictions; contradictions of opinions, feelings, sympathies, words and actions.

A man cannot destroy contradictions, but if “buffers” are created in him he will not feel the impact from the clash of contradictory views, contradictory emotions, contradictory words.

A man with really strong buffers does not see any need to justify himself, for he is quite unaware of any inconsistencies within him, and accepts himself as entirely satisfactory as he is.

How indeed can we obtain any more knowledge and more especially that kind of knowledge that comes through intuition, or direct perception, rather than through the intellect, unless the personality can be first got out of the way. The so-called intuition of a man controlled by his personality is only a manifestation of his prejudices and biases, and nothing more than this.

The idea that we each possess an essential nature that is qualitatively different from our acquired personality is basic to sacred psychology.

the environment and in other people. As adults we are aware that we possess some sort of benign unconscious potential, because we occasionally tap into a sense of at-one-ment with the environment, in which we intuitively know, or act in a highly effective way. At those moments we know without knowing how we know, our bodies act before we know what we intend to do, and we hear ourselves speak an unexpected truth before we know what we will say.

There is no awareness of “my personal thoughts” or “my individual feelings” during an essential experience, so in that sense we do leave the adult personality behind and reenter the state of mind of the child, before a personality was acquired. The Enneagram’s nine-pointed

way. The search for a particular aspect of essence is motivated by the fact that you suffer from its absence. For example, if you are chronically afraid, then you have suffered the loss of the child’s essential trust, in the environment and in others; therefore the search for courage will be a motive in your life.

ourselves. “I am sick of my habits,” “I want to begin life over again,” are statements that indicate that our own mechanical behavior keeps us from what is potentially our own.

Personality develops because we must survive in the physical world. A contradiction develops between the child’s essential trust of the environment and the family reality, which must be obeyed.

Forming defenses to protect a threatened aspect of essence could be called the loss of essential connection, or the fall from grace.

children grow they must develop a separate self, which is adapted to the stress of early family life; Western psychology, however, does not attribute any special aspects of consciousness to the early undifferentiated connection, or stress the importance of reconnecting with these original perceptions.

From either point of view, we mature with an odd combination of talents, interests, and defenses that make each of us absolutely unique. Eventually our mobility of attention narrows to the preoccupations that we have acquired; and with that shift of attention, the essential connection with the environment and with others is forgotten and relegated to unconscious life.

When attention shifted from its internal connection to essence, we lost what was our own and were left staring out at the physical world, where satisfaction comes and goes, and where we rarely feel completely safe and at peace. Survival depends upon creating a successful set of boundaries and defenses, which is naturally incompatible with living out one’s life in a highly sensate, unguarded attunement with the environment and others.

There is a Sufi saying that addresses the kinship between personality and essence. It says, “To become that which you were before you were, with the memory and understanding of what you had become.”16

For example, if you observe that you characteristically overburden yourself with things to do, and therefore cannot move on the task that is most essential in your life (point Nine—sloth), then paying attention to your priorities and the call to right action will be your natural allies.

It is very important at a certain stage of self-study to find one’s Chief Feature, which means chief weakness, like the axis round which everything turns. It can be shown, but the person will say: “Absurd, anything but not that!” Or sometimes it is so obvious that it is impossible to deny it, but with the help of buffers one can forget it again.

You must come near to it yourself. When you feel it yourself, then you will know. If you are only told, you may always forget.

Chief Feature is a neurotic habit that developed during childhood. It is also a personal teacher, a reminding factor that has a constant presence in the privacy of our inner life.

For example, if you and I walked into a roomful of strangers, your habit might be to seek approval; whereas if my habit is to be fearful, I would look for reasons to leave.

We do not see the same reality because we are oblivious to what does not attract our attention and tend to focus on the information that is important to our type.

naming what our attention is attracted to that we have neglected to look at how attention is organized when we perceive the information that interests our type.

Intuition can best be understood as the emerging side effect of the withdrawal of attention from habitual thoughts and feelings.

It is not within the scope of this book to discuss even basic internal practices. Practices are best learned with an experienced teacher, in a supportive setting, rather than out of a book, where even the most precise language is sure to fall short of what is necessary to gain access to an altered state of mind.

The classical Rondori, or multiple-person attack, is another impressive demonstration of the ability to sense at a distance. In Rondori, which can be performed blindfolded, you are simultaneously attacked from several directions, necessitating a continuous clear perception of the space surrounding your body, especially the space at your back.

For example, children who are desperate for love may learn to inwardly shift attention in such a way as to merge with a parent, or to unconsciously feel others’ wishes within their own bodies and therefore alter themselves in order to please.

In essence, there is no need to be doing a spiritual practice, or having an insight, or being guided by intuition, because in essence there is no sense of a personal self.

Structure of the Enneagram

The nine-pointed star maps the relationship between two primary laws of mysticism, the law of Three (trinity), which identifies the three forces that are present when an event begins, and the law of Seven (octaves), which governs the stages of implementation of that event as it is played out in the physical world.

The law of Three is represented by the Enneagram’s inner triangle. The triangle conveys the idea that three forces are necessary for creation, rather than the visible two, cause and effect.

Enneagram system, called them simply force One, force Two, and force Three, and it was his observation that humanity is third-force blind.

1. The Perfectionist Critical of self and others. Convinced there is one correct way. Feel ethically superior. Procrastinate for fear of making a mistake. Use should and must a lot. Evolved Ones can be critically astute, moral heroes.

2. The Giver Demand affection and approval. Seek to be loved and appreciated by becoming indispensable to another person. Devoted to meeting others’ needs. Manipulative. Have many selves—show a different self to each good friend. Aggressively seductive. Evolved Twos are genuinely caring and supportive.

3. The Performer Seek to be loved for performance and achievement. Competitive. Obsessed with image as a winner and with comparative status. Masters at appearances. Type A personalities. Confuse real self and job identity. Can appear to be more productive than actually are. Evolved Threes can be effective leaders, good packagers, competent promoters, captains of winning teams.

4. The Tragic Romantic Attracted to the unavailable; ideal is never here and now. Tragic, sad, artistic, sensitive; focused on the absent lover, the loss of a friend. Evolved Fours are creative in their way of life and able to help other people through their pain. They are…

5. The Observer Maintain emotional distance from others. Protect privacy, don’t get involved. Doing without is a defense against involvement. Feel drained by commitment and by other people’s needs. Compartmentalize obligations; detached from people, feelings, and things. Evolved Fives can be…

6. The Devil’s Advocate Fearful, dutiful, plagued by doubt. Procrastination—thinking replaces doing—afraid to take action because exposure leads to attack. Identify with underdog causes, antiauthoritarian, self-sacrificing, loyal to the cause. The phobic Sixes vacillate, feel persecuted, and cave in when cornered. The counterphobic Sixes feel perpetually cornered and therefore go out to confront the terror in an aggressive way. Evolved Sixes can be great…

7. The Epicure Peter Pan, the puer aeternus—the eternal youth. Dilettantish, dance-away lovers, superficial, adventurous, gourmet approach to life. Trouble with commitment, want to keep the options open, want to stay emotionally high. Generally happy, stimulating to be around, habit of starting things but not seeing…

8. The Boss Extremely protective. Stick up for self and friends; combative, take charge, love a fight. Have to be in control. Open displays of anger and force; great respect for opponents who will stand and fight. Make contact through sex and toe-to-toe confrontations. Excessive way of life: too much, too late at night, too loud. Evolved Eights are excellent leaders, especially in the…

9. The Mediator Obsessively ambivalent; see all points of view; readily replace own wishes with those of others and real goals with inessential activities. Tendency to narcotization through food, TV, and drink. Know other people’s needs better than their own; tendency to space out, not sure whether want to be here, or not, whether want to be on the team or not. Agreeable; anger comes out in…

In the following diagram the action (stressful) point is in the direction of the arrow, and the nonstressful aspect is away from the arrow.

For example, when an Observer (usually quiet and withdrawn) is under stress, she or he moves to the position of the Epicure (paradoxically more outgoing and friendly in an effort to reduce stress by making contact with people). When she or he is secure, the Observer tends to become a Boss (directive of others and controlling of personal space).

Dionysian worship demands the full surrendering of attention to sensation and feeling, which, if they are allowed into full expression, naturally turns to the desire for objectivity and detachment from feelings. Likewise, the Apollonian ideal of distance and clarity, the “rejecting of whatever is too near,” depends upon the presence of passionately raised questions in order to develop clarity and on having developed a full emotional life before detachment makes any sense.

Three: CENTERS OF INTELLIGENCE

Two—Empathically altering to meet the needs of others. The feeling of becoming what other people want. Emotions alter before the mind can intervene. See “Points Two and Nine Look Alike,” which follows.

Three—Chameleonlike shift of persona and personal presentation to embody the qualities necessary to get the job done. Focus of attention is on the task, or on the reaction of others to the task. Persona can shift automatically and appropriately before the Three has mentally decided what to do.

Meet at Seven Pleasant gossiping about the day, sharing of positive future plans, trips, gatherings of friends, things to do. Planning mutual projects. Supportive of each other’s goals. Sexually playful, not uptight.

Meet at Five Hiding out in the home; either together in the same room, reading, or wanting a private place to which to withdraw. Nice to have the partner around, but not too close. Probably not sexual in this position (wing of Six as minor aspect, stress of Eight). The Eight wants privacy in stress, and it is to be hoped that the Six has enough sense to not project that the partner’s withdrawal means that the relationship is finished. Eight will come out when she or he wants to.

Meet at Nine Actively merged. Six will have put performance anxiety aside, but may be caught up in trivia and loose ends (the low side of Nine). Puttering around the home, watching the soup pot, doing chores. Lust (wing of Eight and security for Six). If Six can be sexual without becoming afraid and shutting down, Eight will match Six all the way. Possibility for Six to feel relaxed enough to sense real feelings of love. Paradoxically, for Six, the realization that the partner matters a lot can lead to anger. Anger will probably be expressed first through a projection that the mate is up to something. If the Six moves to the high side of the security point, she or he will allow herself or himself to be affected by love for the Eight.

Although Threes report some narcissistic traits, such as believing in their own superiority in areas of achievement and merit, this merit is earned by hard work, rather than assumed as an automatic entitlement. Threes sacrifice themselves to maintain a winning image, rather than adopting the more narcissistic stance of substituting ideas about future success for hard work in the present.

Both are high-energy extroverts. Both are optimistic, self-promotional, and want approval. Both project the image of a winner. Threes, however, will work until they drop, and Sevens will work only as long as the project stays interesting. Threes want to get into power over others, to be recognized leaders, to make a commitment to do the best, most responsible job. They are conformists, they look to others for approval, and they work hard for an immediate return.

Sevens want a taste of everything good. Want adventure more than power. They need not conform for approval, because they see themselves as above social conventions. They are exempt from responsibility, look to themselves for approval, and are entranced with a positive vision of the future, rather than working for immediate goals.

Point Seven DSM Narcissist. Entitlement based on sense of superior endowment. Entitlement is assumed rather than earned. See the preceding “Points Three and Seven Look Alike.” Attention is projected into an imaginative and optimistic future that forestalls the need for immediate commitment or work. “Above all I must be true to myself.”

The best way to understand how the types interact with one another is to first read the three core points of the inner triangle Six-Three-Nine and then proceed along the variations of the core points in the sequence One-Four-Two-Eight-Five-Seven.

The actuality is that essential qualities become available when we are in an altered state of awareness that is not directed by the thinking/feeling self. These qualities have little to do with our ordinary consciousness and, unfortunately, they can be easily trivialized into a concept of how evolved people would be likely to behave.

The first step toward actually embodying an essential quality is to cultivate the inner observer; second, to master many levels of meditation, movement, and energy practices; and third, to integrate the essential qualities into a mature personality.

Ones say that they live with the kind of severe internal critic that most of us would experience only if we had committed a serious crime. They commonly experience a judging voice as part of their own thinking, and although they know that the voice originates within themselves, it can be as invasive as if it had an external source.

The internal critic is so integrated into the way that Perfectionists think that they can only assume that everyone else also lives with a stream of judging thoughts. When others opt for pleasure over correctness, a One can only believe that they are deliberately cheating.

A Perfectionist’s attention is so focused on the question of what should be done or what must be done that there is no mental space left for their own real wishes to emerge into awareness. They are therefore resentful, a word that describes a chronic feeling of irritation. Resentment could be defined as the degree of difference between forgotten real desires and the compulsion to work hard in order to satisfy the mental critic’s demands. There is a sense of correctness about deferring pleasure. Relaxation and fun will be considered after life is set straight and obligations fully settled. Time is scheduled and blocked out with all the necessary ingredients for a perfectly balanced life: the music hour, the exercise period, the visit to a sick friend, the block of study time.

A One’s judgments usually center upon anger and sexuality, because those impulses were punished in childhood. They do not usually know when they are angry. Even with a noticeable tightening of the jaw and a pursing of the lips, as if to hold critical words in check, they do not perceive that they are annoyed, because their perception of a “bad” emotion is blocked out of awareness.

If the tide of passion rises sharply, a One is likely to leak off unacceptable feelings by focusing on someone else’s wrongdoing, or by getting drunk or drugged enough to put the internal critic to sleep. Binge drinking, episodal rages, or periods of intense sexual activity are ways in which a One can release the pressure that periodically builds from unacknowledged needs.

They develop two distinct temperaments, one for “where I’m known” and one for “far away.” They are responsible and well respected where they are known, but become more relaxed and sexy in an environment away from family and friends. The trapdoor solution can be acted out in as innocent a way as going on a vacation to a place where there is anonymity and no responsibility, or it can be acted out in bizarre combinations, such as librarian/prostitute or missionary/thief.

If error can be admitted, then the internal critic recedes, and Ones are able to see their own small sins in a more forgiving light. The pivotal point in forgiveness is the admission of error without the attached humiliation and punishment that Ones are conditioned to expect.

The sense of perfection can be stimulated by simple things: a clean house, a well-constructed sentence, or a moment in a conversation when everything is perfectly in place. The preoccupations of Point One include • Internal standards of correctness that can become puritanically demanding. Stream of self-criticizing thoughts. • A compulsive need to act on what seems to be correct.

Family History

Ones commonly report that they were heavily criticized or punished when they were young and that they eventually became obsessed with trying to be good as a way of staying out of trouble. This seems to be a family situation that produces obedient children, but which forces the children to control their behavior by internalizing the parents’ critical voice. Many were expected to take on adult responsibility prematurely and often became like parents themselves in order to stabilize immature adults in the family.

It was an uptight household, with everyone walking on tiptoes so as not to irritate the parents, and always feeling like you had too much to do.

When Ones deprive themselves, a critical level of pressure develops that causes them to ventilate their resentment in such a way that their own anger still remains hidden from themselves. This architect describes the way in which he released his pent-up aggression.

Many Ones are unaware that they are angry. Their minds may be needle sharp with judging thoughts, which broadcast through tense body language and the fact that the Ones are busy correcting everyone else’s behavior, yet unless they get to the breaking point, Ones may believe themselves to be “feeling energetic,” or “having a small peeve,” or “getting a lot done today.”

Trapdoor Release The anger and pain of Perfectionists stem from the fact that personal needs are not being met. Authentic wishes have been repressed and replaced with a list of shoulds. The resulting deprivation causes a chronic irritation that constantly reheats just under the surface of polite behavior. Ones are particularly annoyed by those who act out the shadow side of human nature, because those are desires that Ones cannot admit as existing within themselves.

Occasionally Ones find a way to equalize the pressure between their own needs and the mental critic by living two lives. There will be a proper public life, in which the One follows rules and procedures, and a private life in which forbidden fantasies are acted out.

didn’t worry about what people thought of me and could afford to say things that I wouldn’t have let myself even think at home.

Ones say that it is very painful to be criticized by others, because they are already burdened by self-judgment. It is almost equally hard for Ones to give out compliments, because it makes them feel smaller by comparison.

Once I got the idea of relative right, I could see how everyone was struggling to do the best that they could based on their separate views of the situation; and it relieved a lot my judgment against

The crosscurrents of worry become most powerful when a One has to take responsibility for acting on a desire that may not be approved of by others.

When anxiety mounts, Ones are vulnerable to hearing implied criticism where none is really present. Innocuous conversations seem laced with negative overtones, and they suffer from the false belief that others are secretly judging them. At those times when Ones are most convinced that they are being looked down upon, it is enormously helpful for them to get a reality check on other people’s real opinions.

When the tension level becomes critical, Ones start to feel so vulnerable to rejection that they are likely to start judging the partner in self-defense. Fights will happen, fueled by the conviction that the partner will be driven off eventually, “so why not have it over with now before we get any further involved?”

Once they have seen the good in someone, Perfectionists can hang in forever with the hope of reforming the other’s less-than-desirable side. Perfectionists report that the defensive wall of judging thoughts vanishes for long periods of time when they are in love.

One’s mental habit of judging others goes away if error can be admitted, and they are particularly loyal if they are able to sense struggle, effort, and good intentions in their partners.

Ones do not easily fathom their own psychological needs, particularly if those needs are not in sync with their own incredibly high standards of ethical behavior.

with a clear designation of responsibility. If the leader is perceived to be capable and fair, Ones will take on responsibility. If not, there will be a tendency to play it safe and to shift blame rather than be found wrong.

Ones become invincible because their internal critic recedes, and they cease to be concerned about making a mistake or what other people think. Firmly established in the one right way, Perfectionists will work tirelessly until the job gets done.

They are predisposed to mistrust authority, but are hoping that those in charge will notice good performance and offer deserved rewards.

My mind gets caught between attack and defense, as if I have no say in the situation and can only listen to the voices in my head until one side or the other wins out. Each quiet space in the meditation is interrupted by mental comments, until, happily, I can disengage from my thoughts.

Ones can become highly motivated to learn to meditate so that judging thoughts recede.

there is an opportunity for learning to shift attention to a neutral ground.

Intuitive Style The intuition of Perfectionists stems from the characteristic way in which they pay attention.

They habitually notice error and what is wrong in any given situation, which implies that they are also aware of a background perception of how perfect that situation could be.

They say that when they lose contact with the background sense of rightness and become anxiously preoccupied with clearing up the foreground of error that they are perceived as being overly critical.

They live with a kind of desperate drive to realign ordinary reality with perfection.

For a One to be able to say “What is right for you may not be right for me” involves a quantum leap in personal growth.

The more the internal critic judges real feelings, the more energy builds in the body, seeking an avenue of escape.

an excellent indication that some truthful impulse is being blocked out of awareness. Another indication is when a wave of resentment floods through the body, but nothing comes to mind as to what might be causing the tension.

research and to transmit precise information, and a certainty that people can radically change their lives through correct information.

A One’s way to self-forgetting is through the replacement of real wishes with an obsessive concern about the right thing to do. The

What Helps Ones Thrive Ones often have difficulty going to therapy because of the admission that something is wrong and sometimes avoid meditation practice because of the fear of losing control to an altered state of awareness. The typical reasons for seeking help are anxiety attacks, bouts of substance abuse (to escape the internal critic), or a physical disorder that has its roots in psychological tension. The presenting problem is usually a mask for real feelings. Ones can help themselves by

Not falling into compulsive doing; not having back-to-back responsibilities so as not to have to think about real priorities.

Not turning insight into self-attack. “How could I have been blind to my own errors?”

Learning to ask for and receive pleasure. • Learning to question the difference between what “should” be done and what is really desirable.

Learning to fantasize shadow side emotions. • Using the imagination to ventilate anger. Imagine the worst to an enemy until the anger goes away.

What Ones Should Be Aware of

A sense of two selves, one playful and the other punitive.

Tying up time so that there is none left for pleasure.

• Procrastination. Overcomplicating simple procedures so as to delay a final commitment.

unconscious wishes seeking expression, which leads to an increase in displaced irritation. • Need to find fault with the environment. • “Scorched earth policy.” The need to redo a project from the very beginning because an error has been found. Inability to compromise. Tear the entire house down because the staircase is in the wrong place.

existence. Twos report that they find themselves inadvertently altering themselves to meet other people’s ideas of desirability. They

Two and Three can look alike, if the Two is a high achiever. We would expect a Three to move up the success ladder because he or she has been rewarded for performance, rather than for feelings. A Two can also be energetic and professionally ambitious, but the inner motive of the Two is to be loved for himself or herself, rather than for achievements.

The difference between a Three and a high-achieving Two is the difference between the performer who plays to the audience in order to put on a great show and the flatterer who plays to the same audience in order to impress a special boyfriend who is sitting in the front row.

Because they were loved for their achievements, they learned to suspend their own emotions and focus their attention on earning the status that would guarantee them love. The idea was to work hard for recognition, to take on leadership roles, and to win. It was very important to avoid failure, because only winners were worthy of love.

They are high achievers who have identified with the American popular image of youth, energy, and a competitive life. They adopt the prototype image of any group: the executive with the three-piece suit, the supermom who gets the job done, the bouncy kids in the TV ads, the hippie with hair to his heels.

Threes are chameleons, who can turn into the valued achievers of whatever groups they find themselves belonging to, and may unwittingly come to believe that they are whatever image invites approval from those whom they respect.

They do not appear to suffer and may live out their entire life oblivious to the fact that they have lost a vital connection to their own interior life. Threes will work for external rewards, often without examining their feelings about the work itself.

Activity is also a natural antidepressant; Threes simply stay so busy that they haven’t time to let life get them down.

Life is high-energy and happy, with plenty of interesting activities, but a life that focuses on personal performance necessarily sacrifices an interior life that stems from intimacy and emotional questioning.

Threes keep the schedule packed. There is continuous activity all during the day, with no free time for feelings to surface. Threes want to take work along on their vacation, to fill their play time with a study tour or a five-country sightseeing marathon that ensures that they will be actively engaged for the entire vacation period.

Threes say that they are so focused on the task when they go into action that their feelings are suspended and that if they receive a compliment that they take it as given to the product rather than to themselves.

A sense of inner optimism is often bolstered by paying selective attention to positive achievements. Failures are reframed by turning them into incomplete successes; mobilizing for deadlines and competition is preferable to rest. With time, a Three develops an ability to adapt to job roles, to embody the image and characteristics appropriate to a professional presentation. This chameleonlike ability to take on the mannerisms of a successful role model serves to impress other people so that they will rely upon the Three’s abilities, but can also be a source of deep self-deception on the part of the Three, who replaces real emotions with those feelings that successful people are alleged to have.

Point Three’s habitual preoccupations include • Identification with achievement and performance. • Efficiency. • Competition and the avoidance of failure. • The belief that love comes from what you produce, rather than for who you are.

Selective attention to whatever is positive. Tuning out of negatives. • Poor access to personal feelings. Emotions are suspended while the job gets done. • Presentation of an image that is adjusted to gain approval. A high-profile public persona. • Confusion between one’s real self and the characteristics that are appropriate to one’s role or job. • A way of paying attention that is called convergent thinking, in which a multitrack mind is focused upon a single goal. • Intuitive adjustment of self-presentation, often to the point of believing that the image is one’s true self.

I don’t tell anybody that I’m applying to Stanford, or at least nobody who’ll be around to find out if I don’t get in. I can’t describe how bad it feels to go out for something and not be sure you can win, so if it turns out badly, even my best friends won’t find out that I failed, and I’ll try as hard as I can to forget it. I‘m gone, I’ve got other stuff to do.

Threes become the ideal prototype of whatever group they value. If they are raised in a family that thinks highly of public performance, then they will strive in that area. If the family values other kinds of achievements, then a Three child will work hard to conform to that image. A woman who was raised in the country describes her family situation.

A Three is used to doing several things at once and will advocate keeping as many balls in the air as possible as an efficient use of time. Outsiders, however, tend to see a Three’s need for continuous polyphasic activity as a way to not have time for an emotional life.

can be painful for Threes to recognize that they have needs that run counter to a high-profile image that maximizes the effectiveness of a role.

For about ten years I’d go from a three-piece suit to full motorcycle leathers to evening dress in the course of a single day; and I’d change as many times internally, according to the crowd that I was running with.

Advertising agencies embody classic Three qualities. Advertising people are in touch with the images that others value and are able to package and promote those images in an appealing way.

competent professional, the ideal civic leader, the perfect mate. Work is the preferred area of interest, but if a more laid back way of life is what is accepted, then a Three will be likely to adopt that style and can spend years living out an image rather than getting in touch with real emotional preferences.

You can put out an image of being emotional, when in fact your head can be off a million miles away, doing something else.

Threes can also be perceived as pressed, as being in struggle and as having sold themselves out for personal gain.

The attention of Performers is focused on comparative status and on the acquiring of status symbols that are the tangible evidence of success. They

They are narcissistic in the sense that they are convinced of their own competence and superiority and are self-centeredly focused upon the projects that give them value in their own eyes. Their vanity, however, is based on their ability to perform, and to earn, rather than on a deluded sense of innate natural worth.

not owe them a living and they experience severe anxiety if they are unable to earn status and respect.

Threes redefine the failure as a partial success, or pin the blame on others. There is an urge to escape a shaky project or a sinking relationship and move quickly on to better things.

Threes can change jobs and change identities without breaking stride, and as long as there is enough activity and enough hope for a better future, negative feelings can be kept at bay. Their extreme adaptability is both a blessing and a burden. The blessing is that they can move quickly and efficiently under pressure. The burden is that real feelings are suspended in the interest of getting the job done, and that as a consequence of their ability to take on new opportunities and become the image that the new role suggests, they are perceived as people who can change hats for self-serving purposes.

Threes commonly report that they are aware of the manipulative possibilities of deliberately projecting an image that will generate trust. They also say that they get so immersed in their role that they deceive themselves by paying selective attention to support and discarding negative feedback as sour grapes from poor losers. As long as image needs are being met, Threes will want to press excitedly forward for a win.

You wake up to the fact that you’re focused on image with a sense of self-betrayal. You betray yourself by juggling to stand out in whatever group you’re with. There’s a great pain in realizing the degree to which I will adjust myself to be the most perfect woman that somebody has ever met, or to be the one who leads and is looked up to by the crowd.

As a result I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I step on them, that all I care about is their output, rather than their feelings. It’s quite true, in a way, because I’m applying the same yardstick to them as I do to myself. It has, for example, been hard for me to recognize that other people slow down under pressure, or that they get disoriented if their private life isn’t working out. When I try to stay with my own feelings, there’s a sense of real confusion. Do I have the right one? How am I supposed to tell the difference between my own and the ones that my image thinks it should be feeling?

Focusing on yourself rather than others terrifies you, because you don’t know what you’re going to find out about yourself, or even if there’s anyone at home to find.

The most common questions from workaholic types who are opening up to feelings for the first time are, “Do I have the right one?” and “Will I get stuck in my emotions and be unable to produce?”

Anger is the most difficult to deal with. I’ve disappeared for months and realized afterward that it was because I was deeply angry, and it took that long to get it under wraps. It’s the emotion that blows image and turns everybody off, and rather than deal with it it’s easier to switch jobs, switch image, and create a new world that will protect me from that kind of situation again.

The safest strategy seems to be for me to ask for time to figure out what I feel and to agree to a discussion at some definite point in the near future.

On the high side of relationship, Threes show extraordinary support for the goals and aspirations of family members.

On the low side, they can get easily distracted from feelings by projects, which Threes take on in the spirit of working for the family, but which translates to others as a craving for personal success.

Both Three and Five have an issue with emotional intimacy: for Three, it is being seen for the self rather than for achievements; for Five, intimacy brings up fears of exposure and humiliation.

Three buffers intimacy with too much to do, and Five buffers intimacy by withdrawal. The usual scenario places Three as pursuer and Five as pursued. Three makes things happen, and Five does not resist.

Threes want to be the authority. They can prioritize and compete well and enjoy the recognition of success. They most commonly compete for a personal win, for example, they may strategize to take on leadership of a group.

On the low side of authority interactions, Threes are likely to take control by working around the existing authorities. They get jobs done by cutting corners, with an appreciable loss of quality control. There is a likelihood of exaggerated self-promotion, or a habit of relating to others through a work role rather than through feelings. “My image talks to your credentials.”

Point Three embodies an infectious enthusiasm for projects and future goals. Coupled with immense capacities for hard work, its exemplars can inspire others to high levels of personal excellence. There is a desire for lifelong learning and an anti-depressive ability to find interesting things to do. Threes possess a natural ability to present themselves and their projects in an effective way. There is an interest in supporting social programs that help people to rise materially by their own efforts and in developing future leadership.

Attractive environments include small businesses that have been built up through effort and long hours. Managers. Salespeople. Media. Advertisers and image makers. Jobs that require the consolidation of known ideas into workable systems. Packaging, promotion, marketing, and sales.

Famous Threes include Werner Erhard, the supersalesman of consciousness, who packaged the growth movement under the banner “est works.” Ronald Reagan Walt Disney Farrah Fawcett John F. Kennedy

How Threes Pay Attention To an observer, a Three looks like a highly focused achiever;

Threes report, however, that they are only trying to keep up.

As a way of understanding this stance of attention, you might imagine yourself established at permanent high speed, gravitating toward stress and competition as a preferred way of life. You are sensitive to anything in the environment that will contribute to your current goal, and you see people in terms of what they possess or what they can do to help the project materialize.

As goals become more focused, your interest increases and so does the speed at which you want to work. Attention narrows to those cues in the environment that will support forward motion toward the goal, and people start to look like automatons who are either blocking forward motion or who have something that will serve the work. If they are automatons who are in the way, you either ignore them or walk around them. If they are automatons who can serve the project, you seek them out for what they can give.

Obstacles only serve to increase your focus of attention. Focus increases under pressure because if you fail to achieve the goal, or somebody else gets there first, you will feel anxious about being an unlovable failure. Runners-up are…

If obstacles continue, then you go inside yourself and brainstorm every similar situation that you can remember, ferreting out every relevant past solution that has any bearing on the current case. This narrowing of attention to all the bits and pieces of environmental cues, old memories, and past solutions that relate to a current goal is called convergent thinking. It is a state of mind that Threes are…

I’ve turned several businesses around to where they’ve become extremely profitable. Some of my best saves have been when I’ve geared up for a deadline by pulling out every half-feasible idea from all the other projects I’ve been on. My saves have been through a bizarre combination of ideas that worked successfully in other contexts. Identification When a project becomes successful enough to hold a Three’s attention, all of her or his mental…

When identification takes place, a Three has difficulty separating personal worth from the worth of the Three’s product, and if the product comes under question,…

Threes have a lifelong habit of shifting attention from real feelings in the interest of efficiency and in order to “do” the image that a task requires. They are particularly susceptible to identification, because they look to others for approval and can…

Identification can be pervasive enough, however, to cause a Three to take on a role and live it out for many years; perhaps until an illness or a midlife crisis forces a work stoppage that allows time for feelings to surface. If there is a title, an impressive image, or a lot of money involved, Threes may well work until they drop “for the firm,” “for the corporation,” for whatever role…

Keeping your eyes closed, choose a quality with which to identify. Choose a quality that you don’t believe you actually embody. For example, you could choose to identify with the quality of beauty, or handsomeness, or intelligence, or compassion, or joy; but try to pick one that feels alien to you.

Imagine feeling that quality within yourself. It will help you recognize the quality’s feeling if you remember a time when you actually did feel that way. Notice the shifts of attention that you go through while you “make up the quality.” Notice the fact that the quality comes and goes. When the quality is present, you are feeling like a Three who is becoming identified with that quality, and when you have to exert effort to keep the quality present, you are feeling like a Three who is holding up an image.

Threes would recognize these internal fluctuations of attention as the difference between times when they are faking an impressive image and times when they have become so immersed in an image that they are the quality that the partner values. Threes habitually shift their attention to identify with culturally valued images and begin to project these images as themselves without remembering to question the difference between an adopted image and their own internal feelings.

When a Three can successfully personify an image, she or he will become acutely aware of other people’s reactions. If the image is effective, the Three will remain identified with it. If the public does not approve, then self-presentation will tend to be unconsciously modified.

Performers measure their value in terms of what impresses others. They are vain about their accomplishments, but believe they have little value separate from what they do. When Threes begin to work compulsively, when they push the river to make a project happen, they have forgotten themselves by immersing their attention in the neurotic habit of finding identity through a task.

The positive aspect of compulsive doing is that Threes feel alive in the midst of activity and become adept at sensing the energy requirements of different jobs.

Anxiety about the project drops away because you are aware of the fact that each stage of the work inevitably leads to a correct conclusion.

Why have a self if it’s going to suffer? The saner approach might be to identify with the cultural standards, suspend your emotions, and abandon yourself.

Threes are often convinced of their own psychological soundness. Emotional distress is for losers, for those who have time on their hands or who can’t keep up the pace. Neurotic Threes may have lost all awareness of the fact that there is a difference between the highly achieving pseudoself and their own emotional wishes.

Performers commonly face their honest feelings during an enforced slowdown. They usually stop because of a job layoff, or an illness, or the intervention of a spouse, rather than making a voluntary decision to cut back. The enforced inactivity can be terrifying to a person whose worldview depends upon earning merit through work and typically brings up fears about self-worth and the realization that emotions inevitably come into awareness as soon as attention is withdrawn from activity.

Their question of existence then becomes, Do I go with what I feel, or do I stay with my habit of knowing what to do? The risk in following feelings is that Threes inevitably lose the recognition that achievement guarantees; and the risk of not following feelings is that Threes live out life as a fraud.

In the process of making that shift, Threes are likely to experience a period of voluntary suffering, in which a protective habit that developed in childhood is given up in order

to become psychologically free.

With time I built a repertoire of genuine emotions, which I am very proud about. I can be touched by people, my own reactions matter to me. I can tell if I’m happy, and if I like what I’m doing, and I’m living in a dimension of life that used to entirely hidden from me.

Subtypes The Subtypes are preoccupations that were formed in childhood as ways to reduce anxiety. For young Threes, any situation that could provide money, possessions (security), prestige, or an enhanced female or male image helped to lessen the fear of being unworthy in the eyes of others.

Which way to go? Toward success or toward the self? Threes often recognize this dilemma when faced with retirement, when immobilized by illness, or when dealing with what seems like far too much free time. A conscious decision to give up image, or social prestige, or a secure financial base can feel life-threatening, because the self does not seem separate from these supports.

Some Threes report that the need to project a winning sexual image masks a deep confusion between the masculine and feminine aspects of themselves.

Threes are caught up with money and material ownership as a way to reduce anxiety about personal survival.

Threes work hard to produce the money and status that provides security.

There is a feeling that if someone criticizes your job performance, that your…

What Helps Threes…

emotions that emerge as the result of this enforced slowdown can, at first, be…

Real feelings often interfere with the capacity to perform and can be confusing to a person who has never realized that he or she has…

Contact with physical and emotional reactions should be encouraged, especially those disowned by Threes, Such as fatigue, fear, and confusion about what to do next. Performers need to recognize those times when commitments and tasks begin to…

They can be helped by • Learning to stop. Leaving time for emotions and real opinions to surface. Contacting the fear of feelings that creates the desire for constant activity. • Noting when actions become mechanical. Acting mechanically. Producing like a robot while feelings are suspended. • Recognizing when real abilities are replaced with fantasies of personal success. • Not veering off from problems by introducing new projects, reframing failure into success, or discrediting sources of criticism. • Recognizing the postponement of emotional happiness. “I’ll be happy after the next promotion.” • Recognizing a profound difference between an emerging private self and the public, performing self. Sense of being separate from the image. • Noting feelings of being a fraud. Putting on a show. “Nobody looks behind the mask. I am not seen; only what I do is seen.” • Seeing your own participation in having to do so much; in feeling surrounded by incompetents and lazy people. • Noting the desire to be the perfect therapy client. Producing Freudian dreams for the analyst, pounding the pillow for the Gestalt therapist. Reporting energy experiences to the guru. Therapy becomes a job to master. Meditation becomes a task. “How many minutes did I sit perfectly still? How many mantras did I recite today?” • Recognizing the existence of feelings by first finding and then naming the sensations that underlie feelings. For example, if it is hard to identify an emotion, begin by naming any physical sensations that you feel in your body. “My face is hot” or “my belly feels tight.” Naming physical sensations helps you recognize what you feel. • Learning to tell the difference between doing and feeling. Remembering to shift attention from task to feelings about the task. • Starting meditation and attention practices on a scheduled basis, with a definite time limit. Sit for forty-five minutes and then go back to work. The “not doing” of…

As attention is redirected from preoccupations related to image and a workaholic way of life, Threes should be aware of reactions such as the following: • Confusion about feelings.…

What Threes Should Be…

Confusing an idea about an emotion with the real thing. • Overactive fantasy life. Imagining success when direct action is blocked or when negativity surfaces. • Manufacturing a fantasy image about being enlightened or “being an evolved example of a Three.” Bypassing the feeling state by…

• Wanting quick results, feeling better when replacing feelings with work, desire to quit therapy before real change can occur. • Needing proofs of success. Wanting to become the teacher in order to feel like a meditator. • Habit of detaching from feelings when talking about personal issues, or having these issues arise in meditation. Believing that these issues have been solved once they are named and talked about, without having to experience emotions. • Tendency to pick an omnipotent therapist or spiritual teacher, one who embodies the external values that are appealing to a Three. Identifying with therapist’s values without finding your own. • The fear that…