The Power and the Pain

It is often said that the signs of success in practice are a clear, peaceful mind and a kind heart; in others words, wisdom and compassion. I think you will find both in this book.

Yet the topic of our human distress will never be exhausted or our understanding of it complete until we are awakened like the Buddha.

Andrew helps us to do here, we see that our suffering is not just misery; it is full of potential for not only pain but also power and joy.

(The path includes hardship: transformation goes to the very core of being)

The very nature of the path consists of ups and downs, happiness and suffering, clarity and confusion. That’s what the path is all about—transforming negative states into positive ones and adverse conditions into circumstances that are conducive to our awakening. Still, the spiritual hardships that each of us face along the way can be hard to bear, whether these are purely psychological pressures or events that affect us on a physical level as well. Yet they can be ameliorated when we see their connection to our path as a whole. That is the distinctive gift of The Power and the Pain for contemporary Buddhist practitioners. It helps us make sense of our individual experiences, which, as unique as they are, have been challenging practitioners in different ways since the time of the Buddha.

There is hardship, yes, but there is also a cause for it that we can understand. On the other hand, there is an end to hardship ultimately, and there is also a cause for that ending that we can understand.

Although we may associate words like transformation and transmutation with blissful states and heavenly realms, they imply change at the very core of our being, which is a very personal and sensitive matter. In some sense, it’s a surgical process; we are going under the knife—the knife of our own intelligence, which we are sharpening all the time with our studies and meditation. We can’t count on simply rising above our pain without changing at all.

Wherever we are, we are connected to both the beginning and end, to confusion and wisdom.

The minute we cut through one place, the fence can’t do its job of being a fence anymore. A sense of spaciousness and openness enters our mind. It is just at such points that we might experience a sense of heightened neurosis or groundlessness. We might feel more confused than ever because our experience of who we are is in flux. The old ego model doesn’t quite work anymore, and we are still too shy to see our buddha nature nakedly.

Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news. —CHÖGYAM TRUNGPA Easy, comfortable practice won’t get you anywhere! —MILAREPA

(The first taste of stillness: returning to a mysterious home)

For the next timeless bit of time I rested in deep meditative absorption. My chattering mind stopped, every thought evaporated, and I don’t even recall breathing. All the winds that normally rage across the surface of my mind dissolved into space, and the waves of thought stirred up by those winds settled into a mirror-like tranquility. It was a state of indescribable peace, a dimension of being so sublime that words fail me even three decades later.

Everything was alive, shimmering in a soft luminosity. The sunlight danced through the radiant trees, and the flickering golden leaves fluttered as the wind passed through them—and through me. I felt completely transparent, open to a new world that spoke to me in its secret language. It was the first time in my life that I had stopped my mind without falling asleep, and it felt like I had returned to some mysterious home.

The spiritual path is truly the path of great bliss. In my many years of walking this path, I have stumbled upon moments of spiritual intoxication so radiant, so exalted, and so complete that my life still trembles from the force of such transport. Nothing compares. And nothing can describe the power of such transformation.

(Enlightenment is not tax free: shadows accompany the bliss)

But enlightenment is not tax free. The light of bliss shines frequently upon the path, but shadows are also found. These shadows can seduce us into their protective circle or induce us to flee their darkness. The path that has brought me such peace has also brought me untold pain.

Not only did my body hurt, but my mind was going crazy. Thoughts flew through my mind with a frequency and velocity I could hardly bear.

I was anxious, unable to control my mind. My mind went ballistic as part of me tried to indulge my thoughts and the other part kept labeling whatever arose in my mind as “thinking.” I had read that meditation releases the demons buried within you. Maybe it was true.

It has been said that religion is for those who are afraid of hell, while spirituality is for those who have been through hell. I had no idea that spirituality could put you through hell.

Even after all these years of practice, there are times when I am the most unstable of meditators, one day enjoying the fruits of the path and the next day being lost in discouragement and doubt.

Why is it such hard work? It is my purpose in this book to explore these questions. The Tibetan teacher Anam Thubten writes,

There is no magic wand, so it is very common to lose that initial love that we had with our spiritual practice. Spirituality is not about fixing all of our problems and the earlier we find out about this, the less disappointment we are going to face. We have to let go of all of these fantasies… If we hang on to them, we often run into disappointment and that can sometimes create a huge obstacle to inner awakening. It can completely draw us away from the path.

To reject the night is to reject reality itself. The path is about learning how to accept and work with darkness and the inevitable hardships of life just as much as it is about learning how to work with joy. The eleventh-century sage Padampa Sangey says, “Approach all that you find repulsive! Anything you are attracted to, Let go of it!”

Twenty years ago I took to heart the Zen warning: “Chase two rabbits, catch none.”

Chasing dozens of rabbits had worn me out, and I realized that sooner or later it helps to settle down. I do not believe Buddhism is the only way, but it is a good one. It speaks to me. Its vast doctrine has illuminated my life, and its meditations have transformed me.

(The Four Noble Truths and the irony: the path to peace requires suffering)

The Four Truths are: 1) the truth of suffering, 2) the truth of the origin of suffering, 3) the truth of the cessation of suffering, and 4) the truth of the path leading to the cessation of suffering. The Buddha summarized them thus: “I teach one thing and one thing only: suffering and the end of suffering.”

But what is not overtly taught, and what confuses many followers, is that the path leading to the cessation of suffering necessarily includes suffering. There is irony here in that the path leading to unceasing peace and happiness requires us to fully welcome suffering.

Instead, what we realize is that suffering is inseparable from life. I like to describe what happens by saying that suffering doesn’t disappear from our life, but into our life.

We might think of them as the four “inner” truths of the Fourth Noble Truth. They are: 1) there is hardship along the path, 2) the hardship has an identifiable cause, 3) there is the possibility of the cessation, or lessening, of that hardship, and 4) there is a path that leads to the cessation, or lessening, of hardship. Learning about these truths, our journey in this book, is like meeting a spiritual guide, someone to accompany us along the path and to whisper advice into our ears when things start to hurt.

The contemporary spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle writes, Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of ego. The man on the cross is an archetypal image. He is every man and every woman. As long as you resist suffering, it is a slow process because the resistance creates more ego to burn up. When you accept suffering, however, there is an acceleration of that process which is brought about by the fact that you suffer consciously… In the midst of conscious suffering, there is already the transmutation. The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness… The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.

As the traditions maintain, the greater the obstacles, the greater the realization.

But it is important to realize that while a map can be of benefit, we never want to stuff the territory into a map. Experience is always bigger and more mysterious than any map, no matter how sophisticated.

The essence of the First Turning is that of egolessness. It is the painful truth that on an absolute level we don’t exist. We appear to exist and that is a relative truth that is acknowledged, but in actual truth there is no such thing as “you.”

Emotions are just runaway luminosity, or luminosity that is grasped onto, and if we can relate to them that way, we can transform our emotional poisons into spiritual medicine. This is followed by a chapter on meditative absorption and how this profound experience can become a deadly trap. We think we are finally enlightened when we are actually just stuck in the bliss of light.

It is easy to feel alone on the spiritual path, to think that our hardships are unique and insurmountable. We therefore tend to exaggerate our pain and retard, or completely arrest, our progress along the path. To share the common obstacles and traps, the sheer humanity of this challenging path, is to realize that we are not alone and that there are others who feel the same pain and struggle to understand it.

(Relative versus absolute power: what it means to be free from the world)

Relative or conditional power is the holy grail of the ego: it is temporal, material, conventional, impermanent, and therefore ultimately unsatisfying.

Absolute or unconditional power is beyond the ego: it is timeless, spiritual, unconventional, permanent, and therefore ultimately satisfying. It is not power as commonly understood. This real power comes from within and is not dependent upon external conditions.

When Jesus said the meek shall inherit the earth, he was referring to absolute power.

Relative power is when you have power over the world; absolute power is when the world no longer has power over you.

Many who achieve this level of freedom agree: even when we seem to have everything we want, something is still missing.

Relative freedom is the fruit of the worldly path, but because it depends on external conditions, it is not real freedom. When the conditions fade, so does the freedom.

There is no need to go on vacation, get a raise, or retire. You are free now because your mind is free.

When desire is transcended, appreciation for the ordinary is born. You erase consumerism, increase satisfaction, and relax into simplicity. And instead of seeking your own happiness, you now have the power to help others find genuine happiness. That is real power—and freedom.

Relative wealth is conditional, the common assets of property and fame, but it is a potential prison, for we easily become possessed by our own possessions. I am consumed with my home, car, art, and electronic gadgetry. I worry about my mortgage, mutual funds, and retirement account. I struggle to improve my property and maintain my possessions. And I always want more.

The lust for material wealth springs from a sense of spiritual poverty. We crave external fulfillment because we feel something is missing.

This is why we often find happiness in simple events. We feel rich when we play with our children, or immerse ourselves in ordinary tasks. In these moments nothing is missing, there is no sense of poverty, because our focus brings fulfillment. Distraction steals attention from what is happening and instills the sense that something is missing. Distraction ransacks reality.

(Desire, satisfaction, and why happiness lives in stopping, not getting)

We are consumed by the satisfaction of desire, and because desire is endless, so is our dissatisfaction.

We think we are happy when we get what we want, and therefore we never stop wanting: get that girl, car, job, or house. But if we take a close look, we will discover that we are actually happy when we stop wanting. A moment of satisfaction is just a moment of release from the pinch of desire.

External things won’t make us happy because the source and satisfaction of happiness is internal. The spiritual path goes to the heart of the matter and deals not with substitute satisfactions, which are endless and ultimately futile, but with the essence of satisfaction.

Stop the pursuit of happiness and you will ironically find it. This is real happiness.

You can move to a peaceful location, but if your mind is uneasy, internal conflict will follow you wherever you go. As Jon Kabat-Zinn put it in the title of his book: “Wherever you go, there you are.” Peace of place does not compare to peace of mind.

real freedom and peace do not come from a completely free rein—they come from being fastened to the confines of the present moment. This, as the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön so famously puts it, is the wisdom of no escape.

By finding peace within ourselves, we become the peace we want to see in the world. As we radiate this quality, others will fasten themselves to us, for peace not only pacifies, it also enriches and magnetizes. By representing that which so many seek, others will be drawn into our presence. The great saints and religious figures exude that sense of peace and magnetize those who long for it. And why should they care about magnetizing others? Because then they can help them.

our internal environment is “silent” enough, if discursive mind drops below a critical threshold, then any stimulation can bring us to our senses. We do not have to be an accidental buddha. We do not have to seek or wait for dramatic events; we discover magic in every event. The mind of someone well trained on the spiritual path is so quiet that every moment is loud enough to bring him or her into the present.

There is a degree of hardship involved at this level because we are working against the current of the discursive mind.

Studies have shown that long-term meditators literally perceive more of reality. They see more, feel more, taste more, hear more, and smell more because they are thinking less.

Profanity is mindless grasping; sacredness is mindful touching.

When we achieve the power of freedom, wealth, happiness, peace, and even mindfulness—what are we supposed to do with it? If we keep it to ourselves, that isn’t real power. That’s ego. Real power is using these resources to benefit others.

When we endure the pain of the path, why should we do so? Why should we tolerate all the inconvenience, loneliness, and heartache? We endure it to bring benefit to ourselves, certainly. Freedom, wealth, happiness, peace, and mindfulness are wonderful acquisitions. But if obtaining these is our only motivation, it won’t bring genuine happiness, or meaning, to our lives. We endure the difficulties to help others. In Tibetan Buddhism the deity of power is Vajrapani. He is a formidable presence, wrathful and uncompromising, with tremendous capability and power. Power to do what? To help others. That is the real power of the path.

2 The Pain

It is sometimes easier to wake up when we’re in extreme pain. —DZIGAR KONGTRÜL, It’s Up to You If you haven’t cried deeply a number of times, your meditation hasn’t really begun. —ACHAAN CHAH

(Waking up hurts: the longer the sleep, the more painful the return)

When your arm falls asleep, it prickles and burns as it returns to life. Frozen fingers sting when they thaw; we jolt awake when the alarm clock rings. But physical instances of anesthesia are mild compared to the anesthesia born of ignorance, and so is the level of discomfort upon awakening. The longer something has been asleep, the more painful it is to wake it up.

On the contrary, however, my first year in retreat was one of the worst in my life. All the symptoms of anxiety I’d ever experienced—physical tension, tightness in the throat, dizziness, and waves of panic—attacked in full force. In Western terms, I was having a nervous breakdown. In hindsight, I can say that what I was actually going through was what I like to call a “nervous breakthrough.”8

You should realize that through the blessing and power of the practice, by experiencing sickness and other difficulties now, you are purifying and ridding yourself of negative actions… By purifying them while you have the chance, you will later go from bliss to bliss. So do not think, “I don’t deserve this illness, these obstacles, these negative influences.” Experience your difficulties as blessings… when you do experience such difficulties, you should be very happy and avoid having adverse thoughts like, “Why are such terrible things happening to me.”9

In general, having a view is knowing exactly where you want to go and how to get there. It is the vision of knowing what you want. For example, if you have the view to become a doctor, your vision guides you through financial burdens, physical and emotional difficulties, and obstacles that get in your way.

You know it will be difficult and involve sacrifice, but with a strong view, you forge to the finish line.

We shouldn’t blame the Vajrayana preliminary practices for any of the discomfort we feel or the intensity we go through. That’s what we are looking for, it’s what makes transcendence possible. Otherwise, if we retreat from those experiences, if we don’t take advantage of them and free ourselves from those patterns, it’s like starting to pull a splinter out, but stopping halfway when it becomes painful.

(Authentic spirituality: entering reality fully, not escaping it)

True spirituality is not about making you feel good. It is about making you feel real.

As the spiritual psychologist A. H. Almaas puts it, “When we embark on a spiritual path, we unconsciously believe that we are setting out for heaven.”

With this motivation, entering the path is like going to a movie—we just want to get away. We are fed up and want out. But as Trungpa Rinpoche taught: there is no way out.

The magic is to discover that there is a way in. Authentic spirituality is not about escaping from reality but entering it fully. And this is the source of disappointment and hardship. We want to retreat from our pain, not enter it fully. To discover that the path pulls a wicked u-turn and heads directly back into that which we are attempting to escape is what causes many to drop out. It is the great bait-and-switch.

With the proper view, everyday reality is spirituality. The spiritual is discovered in the material.

To complete the path, the material is not rejected, but fully embraced.

But samsara is not reality. Samsara is not “out there”; it is a projection of my confusion “in here.” It is a state of mind, not a state in reality. The Indian master Nagarjuna says, “There is no samsara apart from your own thoughts.”

Liberation based on renunciation involves going into and through our shadows in order to find the light; liberation based on escapism involves denying, repressing, or projecting our shadows in order to avoid the dark.

What we are trying to escape from will come back to haunt us, as any psychotherapist will be quick to point out. By denying, repressing, or projecting something we are throwing a boomerang and then wondering what it was that just hit us. These little boomerangs, our rejected neuroses, return to haunt us because they are asking to be healed, to be “wholed.”

Ringu Tulku Rinpoche says, “Who cares for enlightenment [nirvana]? That’s the idea. Because as long as you have some kind of attachment to enlightenment, then you’re certainly not enlightened. The point is to see nirvana and samsara as one.”15

Enlightenment is the nonduality of all extremes, including nirvana and samsara. It is the middle path uniting peace and pain.

“When your belly is full and the sun is shining upon you, you act like a holy person. But when negativities befall you, then you act very ordinary.” The Dalai Lama says,

Relate skillfully to whatever occurs and liberate everything in the space of equanimity. Saying “yes” to whatever arises is a big part of the spiritual path.

(Unnecessary hardship: what happens when ego tries to interpret beyond itself)

Unnecessary hardship is often the result of referring a spiritual experience to a materialistic ego.

We also create unnecessary hardship because relating a spiritual experience to a materialistic ego is asking the ego to comment on something it knows nothing about. Spiritual experiences are transpersonal, beyond the ego. Egolessness cannot be understood by the ego. We cannot expect it to make helpful comments on experiences that are designed to transcend it. But try we do, for we initially have no other choice. The best result is paradox, irony, or cosmic joke; the usual result is contradiction, frustration, and confusion. And that creates unnecessary hardship. Traleg Rinpoche says, “A mental breakdown or psychotic episode is not the result of an altered state of consciousness or an experience of seeing and hearing things. It is the result of how these experiences are processed by that person’s ego.”19

So what should we do? Accept the experience for what it is, on its own terms. Do not try too hard to figure it out. When you sit in meditation and feel like you are about to lose your mind, that’s okay. Don’t try to find your mind, just ride the experience. When sadness or anger erupts and you want to explode, just be with that.

If you need to understand it, then talk to a qualified spiritual friend or teacher. Even then, look into your motivation. Why do you need to share the experience? I have had my allotment of meditation experiences, and when I bring them to my teachers, I am usually looking for confirmation. I want to be told how special I am. In most cases I am instructed to simply continue, or sometimes I am even ignored.

Unnecessary hardship disappears when this inappropriate reference to ego disappears. When spiritual experience is not referred, it becomes a breath of fresh air.

Without this final seal, the energy dribbles away. Similarly, spiritual practice in general, and powerful experiences in particular, generate their own energy. If we do not consciously seal that energy, which means keeping it to ourselves, not only does it leak, but it can transform into an obstacle.

By reframing an experience, in particular a difficult experience, we can transform a curse into a blessing.

This is devastating news, a major obstacle. If you resist the reality and deny or repress the experience, your cancer will transform your life into a nightmare. But if you reframe the experience and bring it into the context of your spiritual practice, you can transform this obstacle into a major opportunity. The cancer can dramatically realign your life, show you what is really important, and trim away meaningless activities. It can bring you into a deep recognition of impermanence and a new appreciation for the simplicity and sanctity of life.

Tulku Urgyen says that talking about spiritual experiences inappropriately is like being in a dark cave with a candle and then giving it away. Your light is lost, and you are left alone in the dark. Silence often gives birth to spiritual insight, and silence is the way to seal the energy of insight.

am now more certain than ever that if you are on a genuine path, you will get the shit blessed out of you. Editing

order for the path to “do you,” do not edit the path or your meditation to suit your needs. Do not pick and choose those aspects that make you feel comfortable or that are always convenient. A real path is not a cafeteria. Once we choose a path, stick to it and honor its methods. Give in and give up. Then it becomes easier. Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche says, “The path won’t happen on your terms.”21

They took what they liked from each tradition and slapped it all together into something that suited their individual, and usually egotistic, needs.

For example, if they were doing the shamatha or tranquility meditation I was teaching them and things started to get boring or painful, they would choose something from the Hindu or Sufitechnique to get comfortable.

I told them to pick a meditation for their session and then do it purely. Do not contaminate it by peppering in another technique. It’s the “chase two rabbits, catch none” problem. If you are doing shamatha meditation and it starts to feel uncomfortable, do not jump to another technique to ease that discomfort. Stay with the hardship, keep your commitment, and reap the fruits.

Necessary hardship often comes in the form of challenges, which are important tests for the depth of your practice. If everything is easy and comfortable in your practice or your life, you will never know how stable your realization actually is.

On an absolute level, it is important to remember that this is a journey without a goal and that we do not need to measure anything. There is no such thing as progress. From this point of view, these incidents then provide the opportunity to practice, and to go further in our journey without a goal. But on a relative level, there is a sense of progress, and we can see how we are doing by how we react to difficult situations. We can use the relative to arrive at the absolute.

Comfort is virtually an inalienable right. In my volunteer work as a dentist, I spend several months a year working with poor children in Asia. These kids lead tough lives. Their parents, if they are lucky enough to have them, earn less than a dollar a day. Of the thousands I have treated, it is rare to find an uncooperative child. They endure needles and forceps with silent dignity and greet my work with authentic smiles. While their forbearance is tough, their hearts are soft and open.

What made the great meditators great was their unshakable ability to endure hardship, and their resolve never to give up. When things got uncomfortable, they didn’t run and complain. They cut through hardship because they understood the reasons for it. They had the proper view.

Masters from the East say that one reason there are no buddhas yet in the West is because we do not understand hardship and are therefore unwilling to endure it. When we get hot, we clamor to cool off; when we get cold, we scramble to warm up. When we are uncomfortable, we move to get comfortable. If something hurts, we stay away from it. And so we stay away from awakening.

It is said that good experiences are more difficult to deal with than bad ones, because they are more distracting… when things are going well and you feel happy, your mind accepts that situation without difficulty.

This “success” is a barrier to awakening and an obstacle to compassion, for how can we “suffer with” others (the etymology of “com-passion”) when we are not comfortable with suffering ourselves? There are many stories of people brought to the path by “failure.” Personal tragedy is often the gateway to the first noble truth of suffering, and therefore the entrance to the path that removes it.

Hardship connects us to our own hearts and then to others. Material failure can lead directly to spiritual success.

The fact that our first differentiation is between pleasure and pain means that the Freudian principle of striving for pleasure and avoiding pain is the most fundamental principle underlying the ego structure.

Let’s take the example, “you have to be somebody before you can be nobody.” From the relative perspective, having a healthy functioning ego, being “somebody,” is a good thing. It allows us to operate in the world and communicate with others. The ego develops for a reason. But growth does continue beyond the ego. If it doesn’t, the ego becomes a form of arrested development. To evolve we need to become egoless, to become “nobody,” which is the domain of the absolute. Without a healthy ego, however, we will not evolve properly beyond it.

(Dissatisfaction as the first grace: the embryo of growing intelligence)

Discovery begins at the moment you consciously become dissatisfied with life. Contrary to most professional opinion, this gnawing dissatisfaction with life is not a sign of “mental illness,” nor an indication of poor social adjustment, nor a character disorder. For concealed within this basic unhappiness with life and existence is the embryo of a growing intelligence, a special intelligence usually buried under the immense weight of social sham. A person who is beginning to sense the suffering of life is, at the same time, beginning to awaken to deeper realities, truer realities [the absolute]. For suffering smashes to pieces the complacency of our normal fictions about reality, and forces us to become alive in a special sense—to see carefully, to feel

deeply, to touch ourselves and our worlds in ways we have heretofore avoided. It has been said, and truly I think, that suffering is the first grace. In a special sense, suffering is almost a time of rejoicing, for it marks the birth of creative insight… The emergence of suffering is not so much good as it is a good sign, an indication that one is starting to realize that life lived outside unity consciousness [the absolute] is ultimately painful, distressing and sorrowful…We suffer, then, not because we are sick, but because intelligent insight is emerging. The correct understanding of suffering, however, is necessary in order that the birth of insight is not aborted. We must correctly interpret suffering in order to enter into it, live it, and finally live beyond it.

The Armenian mystic Gurdjieff, the Buddha, and many other awakened masters referred to mankind as being asleep. It is therefore a nightmarish blessing to finally discover there is no way out but full awakening.

Tenga Rinpoche agrees: “When you want to clean something, first you have to stir up the dirt that is in it. By practicing [deep meditation], negative results which would have been experienced in a future life, will occur now.”